Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh (The Phantom of The Opera)
CONFIDANTE They say that this youth has set my Lady's heart aflame!
1ST FOP His Lordship sure would die of shock!
2ND FOP His Lordship is a laughing-stock!
CONFIDANTE Should he suspect her God protect her!
ALL THREE Shame! Shame! Shame!
This faithless lady's bound for Hades! Shame! Shame! Shame!
COUNTESS Serafimo - your disguise is perfect.
(A knock at the door)
Who can this be?
DON ATTILIO Gentle wife, admit your loving husband.
ATTENTION BACK ON STAGE (The COUNTESS admits DON ATTILIO. He is an old fool)
DON ATTILIO My love - I am called to England on affairs of State, and must leave you with your new maid. (Aside) Though I'd happily take the maid with me.
COUNTESS (aside) The old fool is leaving!
COUNTESS (CARLOTTA) Serafimo - away with this pretence!
(She rips off SERAFIMO'S skirt to reveal his manly breeches)
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my husband's absence!
Poor fool, he makes me laugh! Haha, Haha! etc. Time I tried to get a better better half !
COUNTESS AND CHORUS Poor fool, he doesn't know! Hoho, Hoho! etc. If he knew the truth, he'd never, ever go!
(Suddenly from nowhere, we hear the voice of the PHANTOM)
PHANTOM'S VOICE Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty?
MEG (terrified) He's here: the Phantom of the Opera . . .
(General reaction of bewilderment. CHRISTINE looks fearfully about her)
CHRISTINE It's him . . . I know it . . . it's him . . .
CARLOTTA (Finding a scapegoat in CHRISTINE, hisses at her) Your part is silent, little toad!
(But the PHANTOM has heard her)
PHANTOM'S VOICE A toad, madame? Perhaps it is you who are the toad . . .
(Again general unease. CARLOTTA and the CONDUCTOR confer and pick up from the opening of the scene)
CARLOTTA (As the COUNTESS) Serafimo, away with this pretence! You cannot speak, but kiss me in my croak!
(Instead of singing she emits a great croak like a toad. A stunned silence. CARLOTTA is as amazed as anyone but regains herself and continues. More perturbing, however, is a new sound: the PHANTOM is laughing - quietly at first, then more and more hysterically)
CARLOTTA (as the COUNTESS) Poor fool, he makes me laugh - Hahahahaha! Croak, croak, croak, croak, croak, croak, etc.
FIRMIN Ladies and gentlemen, the performance will continue in ten minutes' time . . . . . . when the role of the Countess will be sung by Miss Christine Daae.
ANDRE (improvising) In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be giving you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's opera.