Who's ready for some fun? Well don't everybody answer at once! Buckle your pants, grab a friend and get ready for the ride of a lifetime!
BattleBlock Theater! Bust some heads! Push your friend and watch him die! (COOL!) Go up there now! Well that's a nice trick! Kill your friend again (uh-huh) and again! (huh..!) BattleBlock Theater! Go do that! (Yeah!) Grab a jetpack and fly to the moon! Throw your friend! Get the gem! Hop on that thing! Get the gem! (again...)
Ah, BattleBlock Theater...What a peculiar place! It seems like only yesterday you were shipwrecked on this mysterious island... Wait a second, it was yesterday! What's with this twisted charade? Why do you forge ahead when everything feels so hopeless, the weight of the world crushing your spirit and shattering your---
BattleBlock Theater! Check out this stuff! Lots of game types for you to play! Like, um... (uh-huh) this thing! And look! Horses! Yep! Cool! BattleBlock Theater! Touching a butt! Grab the B ball and BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! Hey look! Check this out! If you hate our stuff, shut up and do better! (Hey!)(Sorry...)
But when this theater brings you to your knees and you lie defeated in a pool of your own tears and pee-pee, I'll be there and I'm gonna LAUGH!