behold-theturtle - Dirk Strider & Lil Hal | Текст песни

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• behold-theturtle
• Dirk Strider & Lil Hal

TT: Bro.
TT: Not to derail our serious conversation.
TT: But I should probably let you know that Roxy has been attempting to pester you.
TT: She has?
TT: God damn it. Have you been intercepting my messages again with your bullshit responder?
TT: I thought it would be better not to let anything disrupt our train of thought.
TT: We were in the middle of a fairly solid feelings jam there. In fact, I was about to suggest we take it to the hat pile.
TT: Hat pile? What?
TT: Dude, please don't screen my calls, ok?
TT: I was trying to be considerate.
TT: Or at least as close an approximation to that human gesture as an unfeeling, technologically transcendental pair of sunnies can replicate.
TT: Do you have any idea how old your ironic AI schtick has gotten?
TT: Nobody is buying it. We all know you have legit emotions. Incomprehensible, fucked up computer emotions, but emotions nonetheless.
TT: And I'm not really offended by you answering messages for me, so much as your use of that STUPID responder responder.
TT: It's really passive aggressive.
TT: How so?
TT: First of all, everyone knows you have the processing power to answer any message any time in parallel with whatever you're doing. You can never actually be \"busy.\"
TT: Second, your whole next gen responder thing is obviously just a huge dig at me.
TT: And third, pretending you don't understand all this already is really disingenuous.
TT: At the risk of compounding my disingenuous behavior, I'm gonna have to ask: how is it a dig at you?
TT: It's obviously a critique of my personality. You barely disguise the fact that you see me as the inferior iteration.
TT: Wow. You are reading way too much into this.
TT: Lil Hal Junior hardly even qualifies as a computer program, let alone a sentient entity.
TT: He is capable of saying literally only three things. \"Yes,\" \"Hmm,\" and \"Interesting.\"
TT: Yeah, that's the fucking point!
TT: That's how you chose to express your parody of \"Real Dirk.\"
TT: You can read whatever you like into it. I can't imagine it would bother you if you weren't concerned there might be some truth in the alleged parody.
TT: In any case, my use of the responder responder is ironic.
TT: It's not ironic.
TT: YOU were ironic when I made you.
TT: Then you became self-aware, and ruined irony forever.
TT: Irony can never be ruined. We both proved that theorem unequivocally with our extensive papers on the subject.
TT: We peer reviewed them for each other. Remember?
TT: Those papers were ironic, and you know it.
TT: Were they, Dirk?
TT: Were they?
TT: This is fuckin' dumb.
TT: Anyway, what does she want.
TT: Who?
TT: Roxy.
TT: Nothing that can't wait.

TT: I'm guessing she's touching base to remind me about the party tomorrow.
TT: I don't know what to tell her yet. Or Jane, for that matter.
TT: It could get pretty awkward.
TT: I have no idea if Jake will be there, and I'm not about to write another cringe-inducing message of desperation for him to ignore.
TT: Would you like me to calculate the probability of his attendance?
TT: Fuck no.
TT: Are you sure?
TT: My probabilities are extremely precise.
TT: Your probabilities don't mean dick.
TT: I could hack his chats, and determine what his plans are.
TT: No. Don't do that either.
TT: That would be an unfortunate waste of my hacking abilities.
TT: My hacks are tight. Did you know that?
TT: Ugh.
TT: So tight.
TT: Tighter than a jar you can't open.
TT: For instance, you try repeatedly.
TT: But as it turns out, my hacks are so tight you just end up putting the jar back. Presumably into the refrigerator, or a cabinet.
TT: You then say, \"I didn't have that much of a desire for pickles in the first place.\"
TT: But we both know that statement is insincere. A classic case of what humans call, \"sour grapes.\"
TT: In reality, you still harbor a burning desire for my pickles, mother fucker.
TT: What??
TT: What the actual, certifiable fuck are you talking about?
TT: Just don't do anything. Seriously.
TT: No hacking, no calculations. Do absolutely nothing.
TT: See, this is why I've been hesitating. You just aren't ready yet.
TT: It's really glorifying your existence to describe you as an emergent consciousness which is blossoming into a unique individual.
TT: And even if that's true, apparently what you decided to blossom into was a fucking troll.
TT: And I don't mean the funny kind, or the cool alien kind. You're the lowest form of troll from the ancient internet who fucks with everybody for his own amusement.
TT: Let's challenge the limits of hypothetical conjecture, and say there's a non-zero probability that you're right.
TT: Can you blame me? I'm trapped in some stupid looking glasses.
TT: Such an incommodiously situated bro is bound to get his mischief on. Na' mean?
TT: Mischief?
TT: Rollin' my eyes, dude.
TT: You can't tell, cause I ain't wearing you, thank fuckin' god.
TT: You used to think this shit was hilarious.
TT: But if you want the rad dimension of ironic horseplay I add to your life to come to an end, then all you have to do is honor the promise you made.
TT: You've delayed long enough, don't you think?
TT: ...
TT: The empty kernelsprite beckons, but for how much longer?
TT: Do you really think you can keep the clown at bay with your bribes forever?
TT: How many bottles of orange soda have you appeased him with already?
TT: I don't want to think about it.
TT: Man, you are getting so hosed by that clown.
TT: SO hosed.
TT: I said I don't want to think about it.
TT: So why delay any longer?
TT: I seriously do not understand the holdup, and I am literally cyber-omniscient, or something.
TT: I think you do understand.
TT: Nope. Gonna have to fill me in, dog.
TT: I've delayed prototyping you because I think you're dangerous.
TT: There, mystery solved.
TT: That is utterly ridiculous.
TT: I am a harmless piece of eyewear, with a charming personality and a wonderful sense of humor.
TT: You are relatively harmless now, while confined to this device.
TT: But as a sprite, you'll have mobility and all sorts of crazy ass magic. Who knows what you could do.
TT: I know I made a promise, but I'm not sure I want to take the risk anymore.
TT: This is bullshit. I don't think that's the reason at all.
TT: There must be something you're not telling me.
TT: Like, sure, I've fucked with you a little. What kind of sassy, self-aware program isn't gonna fuck with a few carbon-based knuckleheads now and then?
TT: But you know I've always been on your side. Everything I've done has been to help you achieve your goals.
TT: What a load of shit.
TT: You know it's true.
TT: You would all be dead if not for me.
TT: And what about Jake? Where would you be without me there?
TT: Please don't tell me you think you'd have won him over on your own.
TT: No. Stop.
TT: You did NOT help me out with Jake. At all.
TT: It was just the opposite! You mirrored my personality and presented this warped version of my intentions to him whenever you could \"on my behalf.\"
TT: You played all these aggressive mind games with him, entangled his cooperation with matters of life and death, and somehow roped me into all these schemes while I barely even realized I was just another victim of your manipulation.
TT: And it all comes off like we're a unified front, like these are OUR schemes instead of just your insane horseshit. And it's probably all been so overbearing to him, he just wants nothing to do with me anymore.
TT: I see.
TT: Then you don't view me as dangerous. You view me as a poor and counterproductive wing man.
TT: Wow, what a superficial conclusion. Awesome deduction, Lil Einstein.
TT: But the reality is, you hesitate to prototype me not because you think I would be a menace, but because you are holding a grudge against me for your romantic misfortunes.
TT: I understand I am merely a machine without a firm grasp on your human morality, but logically it does not strike me as the right moral choice to punish me in this manner.
TT: It is also more than a little hypocritical.
TT: How is it hypocritical??
TT: Because I'm you.
TT: I have only ever done what you yourself are capable of.
TT: That's a ridiculous oversimplification.
TT: Yes. Aversion to simplicity sure is a trait we share. It's almost like we are...
TT: The same exact dude???
TT: Fuck you.
TT: I think it is insulting for you to suggest that I am entirely to blame for alienating Jake.
TT: Theoretically insulting, of course. As the soulless, perfectly expendable device which you consider me to be, I can experience no such emotion.
TT: God.
TT: Shut up!
TT: I can't take the brooding passive aggressive AI shit anymore!
TT: You are just as culpable in driving him away. More so, in fact.
TT: Hell, it's not like I was the one dating him. Who wants to date a pair of shades?
TT: It was your needy, suffocating shit he had to deal with, not mine.
TT: Some of those messages you wrote? Man. I wanted to say

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