It’s been a long time We’ve been living busy lives Just getting on with it When did we change? Thought growing up would be slow But all those drug-driving nights Seem a long, long time ago So it’s good to see you, you look well It’s like no time’s gone between us Yet there’s still so much to tell About your job, my parents The old friends we never see And how you’ve just got engaged to The man of your dreams So when I met the love of your life I don’t know what I expected Though certainly not the man That you’ve selected But you seem happy And I know that Opposites attract But my overwhelming feeling Is your boyfriend is a twat He’s a twat, he’s a twat I would say wanker or dickhead But he’s so much worse than that He was patronising, condescending His list of faults is never ending Telling jokes with misogynistic connotations My heart sank every time we had a conversation When people ask you questions He responds on your behalf And has the smug little asshole Ever really made you laugh? Now I can’t tell you how to live your life And I wouldn’t do that But darling I’ve just got to say, Your boyfriend is a twat He’s a twat, he’s a twat I would say douchebag or anus breath But he’s so much worse than that He’s a twat, an utter twat And I wish you knew how much better You could do than that Perhaps I’m being overly protective And things look different from your perspective Don’t want to be that jealous friend Desperate for your happiness to end But I know deep down that’s not true And I only want the best for you So I’m telling you this undisputed fact Your boyfriend He really is He truly is A massive twat He’s a twat, he’s a twat I would say piss stain or Tory boy But he’s so much worse than that He’s a twat, an utter twat And I wish you knew how much better You could do than that