LYRICS: DISC ONE SPINS, AND A TALE BEGINS ABOUT A PUNKY DUDE WHO’S EMO JUST A BIT? HIS MEMORY’S SHIT, BUT HE’S REAL TIGHT-KNIT WITH A CHILDHOOD FRIEND WHO HAS ENORMOUS… EYES!
HE TEAMS UP WITH A GUY WHO’S BASICALLY HOW ASIANS THINK BLACK PEOPLE REALLY ACT, AND THEY ENLIST ECOTERRORISTS, 'CAUSE THEY’RE VIOLENT ENVIRONMENTALISTS
BUT ALONG THE WAY CLOUD GOES ASTRAY, AND HE FALLS INTO A CHURCH
(BARRET: I PITY DA FOOL!)
MEETS A CHICK, THEY QUICKLY CLICK, AND THEN SHE’S KIDNAPPED BY AN EVIL CORP’RATE DICK
NOW THE PARTY TRIES TO GET HER BACK, BUT THEY FAIL REAL HARD AND SOON GET TRAPPED SUDDENLY THEY’RE FREE…BUT WHY, HOW CAN THIS BE?
THEY TRACE A BLOODY TRAIL, AND FIND THIS GUY IMPALED...
THEY ASK WHO KNOCKED HIM OFF... A MAN NAMED SEPHIROTH
BUT NOW THEY MUST DEPART IN A SEQUENCE I CALL \"SUPER MAKO KART!\"
BLOW BY BLOW, THAT’S THE WHOLE INTRO BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE AWAITING THEM AND SO JUST WHERE THEY’LL GO, THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW, THAT’S WHEN MINI-GAMES START MESSING WITH THE FLOW
MINIGAMES, MINIGAMES, SO MANY SO MINI MINI GAMES MANY GAMES HARD TO TELL THINGS APART, WHICH IS THE NORMAL GAME, WHICH IS THE MINIGAME? CPR MINIGAME! DOLPHIN JUMP MINI GAME BATTLE-BOTS MINIGAME! GAY ORGY MINI GAME! CHOCOBO RACE MINI GAME! SNOWBOARDING MINIGAME! HYPOTHERMIA MINIGAME! SLAPPEDY SLAPPEDY MINIGAME! SUBMARINE MINIGAME! 30 CATS MINIGAME! FALL AND DIE MINIGAME! \"WHO AM I?\" MINIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!
IN '97, THIS GAME TOOK THE CAKE YOU MIGHT SAY SQUARESOFT HIT ITS LIMIT BREAK F F V I I, YOUR SALES WERE HIGH, YOU HIT YOUR STRIDE NOT A DRY EYE, WHEN AERITH DIE-YIED, YES WE CRIED... BUT THAT ASIDE…
FF V I I, YOUR PLOT HAS MILE-WIDE GAPING HOLES, AND IN MY EYES, YOU MOSTLY RIDE ON VISUALS
SUCH A TECHNOLOGICAL LEAP BUT THE STORY CURVE IS SO STEEP STILL THE FANBOYS SAY YOU'RE NUMBER ONE
SURE YOU MAINSTREAMED JRPGS BROUGHT THE CARTRIDGE GUYS TO THEIR KNEES, BUT SOME THINGS LOST GOT I'N TARNSLATION! AND LEAST THERE'S NOT A SWORD THAT'S ALSO A GUN!
AND IN THE END, DESPITE THE TYPOS AND ENDLESS SIDE QUEST FILLER, LESS FOLKS WOULDA PLAYED NUMBERS ONE THROUGH SIX IF SEVEN HADN'T BEEN SO KILLER!
FF V I I, YOU WERE AMBITIOUS, YOU HAD GUTS MAYBE PIE-EYED SOME PARTS WERE REAL KICKS IN THE NUTS BUT YOU KICKED BUTTS!
OH, FF V I I, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL, BLUNDERFUL ADORABLE, HISTORICAL TACTICAL, PHANTASMICAL AND FINALLY FANTASTICAL ... MESS.