CONSTABLE: So sorry to interrupt such a festive occasion, but I'm under strict instructions to arrest you - for murder.
MONTY: Murder?
Stop! Wait! What?! Well, I didn't kill Adalbert D'Ysquith Though that certainly was my intent Rather haunted, I jest That I could be arrested For something that I only meant
And it couldn't be poor cousin Asquith For he graciously died on his own Was that hole in the ice Just a bit too precise? Was my presence at Chisolmire known?
Murder, did you say?
CONSTABLE: I'm afraid so, your Lordship.
Stop! Wait! When?! I should doubt I was seen in the harbor Lady Hyacinth fell in so fast As for Salame's end All suspicion would send Them at once to that backstabbing cast
Did the beastings reveal my deception? Was I seen at the weight lifting hall? How rude to intrude On this lovely reception For I am the Earl after all
Yes, I am the Earl after all Though it's come, I concede, at a cost But, where was my blunder My weakness, I wonder? Is all of it now to be lost? Is all of it now to be lost?
Murdering whom?
CONSTABLE: Lord Adalbert D'Ysquith, eighth Earl of Highhurst.
MONTY: Stop! Wait! Who?! For the murder of Adalbert D'Ysquith? Were there ever a farce, this is it I am almost amused I should stand here accused Of a murder I didn't commit
But surely, the Earl died of a heart attack.
CONSTABLE: Um, no, your Lordship. It was foul play.
MONTY: Of course, I should like to inquire By what method he happened to die But what is the point When events now conspire To lead them to think it was I?
I dispatched half a dozen Each one a cousin All of them quite by design It is not a defense It just makes no sense This murder was not one of mine!