cabin pressure 03/01 - Cremona | Текст песни

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• cabin pressure 03/01
• Cremona

OPENING CREDITS [BC]: This week: Cremona!

MARTIN: [chuckles] Very good, very good. Okay, my turn.

DOUGLAS: All right. Do . . . "Come Fly With Me".

MARTIN: [clears throat] (bing bong!) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of MJN Air I'd like to invite you to [sings] Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly awa—

CAROLYN: [intercom] Martin! Martin, what on earth are you doing?

MARTIN: Carolyn! I—oh—yes! Nothing!

CAROLYN: What's going on in there? You've been on stand for half an hour! I've been waiting for you in the portacabin!

DOUGLAS: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.

CAROLYN: But you didn't come in!

DOUGLAS: No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.

CAROLYN: Well, come in now. I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows that's not true, but I have things to tell you.

[In the portacabin.]

CAROLYN: Ah! At last. Now then, guess who's got a job tomorrow? I'll give you a clue: it's us.

DOUGLAS: And they called Hitchcock the master of suspense.

CAROLYN: Anyway, you'll like this trip. You are taking a film star to Italy.

MARTIN: A film star?

CAROLYN: Mm-hmm.

MARTIN: Which one?

CAROLYN: Hester Macaulay.

MARTIN: Oh, yes, wasn't she—

ARTHUR: HESTER MACAULAY?!

DOUGLAS: Good lord, Arthur, I didn't know you were here!

ARTHUR: Hester Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?!

MARTIN: What were you doing behind there?

CAROLYN: And what are you talking about, idiot child?

ARTHUR: She was Griselda, the Lady of the Lake! In Quest for Camelot!

CAROLYN: Oh, was she.

ARTHUR: YES! She's the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalibur!

DOUGLAS: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur.

ARTHUR: How could she give him Excalibur? Excalibur's a person.

DOUGLAS: Right. Keen Arthurian scholars, were they, these filmmakers?

ARTHUR: Well, I say person; obviously it famously turns out he's a vampire!

CAROLYN: Arthur? There's something on your face.

ARTHUR: Oh. Got it?

CAROLYN: No, no, lower, it's hanging off the bottom of your face. It's a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh, and it's flapping about making a horrible noise. Will you make it stop?

ARTHUR: Right. Yes. Sorry, Mum.

CAROLYN: Thank you. Now scatter to the winds, all of you. Martin, flight plan; Douglas, load sheet; Arthur, coffee.

ARTHUR: Right.

CAROLYN: Fly, my pretties, fly!

MARTIN: Come on, monkey face.

ARTHUR: Right-o! [They exit.]

DOUGLAS: Cremona? So I imagine we're staying at the Excelsior?

CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining, Douglas, because that's as close as you're getting. Ms Macaulay will be at the Excelsior. You will be over the road at the Garibaldi.

DOUGLAS: Oh, no! The Garibaldi's an absolute dump!

CAROLYN: A dump, yes, but a keenly priced dump.

DOUGLAS: If this was a proper airline we'd be staying at the Excelsior.

CAROLYN: Agreed, and if you were proper pilots you'd be flying with a proper airline. Impasse. Now go and do me that load sheet. One passenger, and a dozen shirts.

DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses, is she?

CAROLYN: No, the film's set in Fascist Italy. And apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the, um . . .

DOUGLAS: Extras?

CAROLYN: Yes, playing . . .

DOUGLAS: Blackshirts?

CAROLYN: Precisely.

[The next day, in the portacabin.]

MARTIN: "Good moooorning, madam, and welco—" No. 'Ma'am.' "Good morning, ma'am, and welc—" No, she's not the Queen! Hmm. "Good morning, Ms Macaulay, and wel—" No, 'madam'.

[ARTHU

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