cabin pressure 03/02 - Cremona | Текст песни

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• cabin pressure 03/02
• Cremona

DOUGLAS: Ms Macaulay, may I present . . . the Excelsior.

HESTER: Oh, it's lovely, Douglas. Thank you so much.

RECEPTIONIST: Buon giorno, signor!

MARTIN: Oh. Buon giorno. Um, do you speak English?

RECEPTIONIST: Of course, sir.

MARTIN: Good, great. One room, please.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. What name is it?

MARTIN: Ms Hes—

HESTER: Martin?

MARTIN: Yes?

HESTER: I don't use my real name. The fans, remember?

MARTIN: Oh, yes, of course! What name do you use?

HESTER: Oh, various ones. Often cartoon characters.

ARTHUR: Oh, wow, did you nick that one off Notting Hill?

HESTER: They nicked it off me.

MARTIN: So what name shall I use?

HESTER: You choose?

MARTIN: Ah . . . yes. One room, please, for Ms . . . Jessica Rabbit.

HESTER: Martin!

MARTIN: Oh God, no! I mean, I didn't mean you look like—not that you don't look like—well, that, that you do—but—um, not Jessica Rabbit; Mrs . . . Snoopy!

HESTER: But why only one room? Where are you all staying?

DOUGLAS: The Garibaldi.

HESTER: Oh no. No, you mustn't stay there, it's ghastly. They tried to put me up there when I did Who Do You Think You Are?.

DOUGLAS: Oh, you have Italian relatives?

HESTER: God no. But when the BBC offer to fly you to wherever your family are from, you don't say Kidderminster. The Garibaldi is the most awful dive. I insisted they move me.

DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Well, Carolyn can't have known that when she booked it for us, can she, Martin?

MARTIN: No.

HESTER: If I were you I'd just stay here! Oh, unless you have to.

DOUGLAS: Captain?

MARTIN: No, no we don't have to, good lord, no. Erm, three more rooms, please.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly, sir. What names?

ARTHUR: Oooh oooh can I be Goofy?

MARTIN: Douglas Richardson, Arthur Shappey, and Captain Martin Crieff.

RECEPTIONIST: Ooooh, you're a capitan?

MARTIN: That's right, yes, I'm an airline captain.

RECEPTIONIST: So, did you want a suite?

MARTIN: What?

RECEPTIONIST: Well, generally when the air crews come, the capitan, he likes a suite.

HESTER: Oooh!

MARTIN: Yes! Er, the thing about that is—

RECEPTIONIST: No, sir, I ask because I'm sorry, we have no left today.

MARTIN: Oh! Oh, well. Well, yes, I would have liked one. I mean, obviously I'm an airline captain. And frankly this is very shoddy. I mean, I'll rough it this once in one of your normal . . . five-star rooms, but I'm very disappointed.

RECEPTIONIST: Well, you could always take the staterooms.

MARTIN: What?

RECEPTIONIST: The staterooms, on the fifth floor. The whole of the fifth floor.

HESTER: Oh yes Martin! Why don't you?

MARTIN: Right. Yes! I will! Yes! Yes!

DOUGLAS: Nonchalantly done.

[In the elevator]

MARTIN: . . . And anything else I can do, you have my number, so don't hesitate to call! [elevator pings closed]

ARTHUR: Wow, Skip, five-star hotel, eh? This is the life!

MARTIN: No it's not.

ARTHUR: Isn't it?

MARTIN: No. We're going straight back down to the lobby, refunding those rooms, and we're going back to the Garibaldi. I'm so sorry to disappoint you.

ARTHUR: No, it's fine. I don't like big hotel rooms, anyway. Too many drawers.

MARTIN: Drawers?

ARTHUR: Yeah. 'Cause, you know, you gotta put something in every drawer, haven't you? Or it doesn't feel like home. And sometimes in these places I have to split pairs of socks.

[Back in the lobby, at the front desk]

MARTIN: Ah, hello. I was here fifteen minutes ago, I—

RECEPTIONIST: I remember you.

MARTIN: Yes, I imagine you would do.

RECEPTIONIST: It's very exciting for us, you know. We don't often get to rent out the

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