Cabin Pressure - S01 - E01- Abu Dhabi | Текст песни

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• Cabin Pressure
• S01 - E01- Abu Dhabi

(Bing-bong)
DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Douglas Richardson here. Just to let you know we’re making our final approach now into what I am fairly sure is Fitton Airfield. Unless it’s a farm – or just possibly the A45. It’s not the sea, because that’s blue. I should perhaps explain that Captain Crieff and I have a sportsman-like little bet on today about who can fly the best after drinking a litre of vodka through a straw. The captain went first. You may have noticed the take-off run was a little bumpy, particularly over the golf course. Now it’s me to land … just as soon as I decide which of these two runaways to aim for. And I’m happy to tell you that I feel lucky. So, on behalf of all your crew today, may I just say, “Geronimo!”

This week, Abu Dhabi.
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MARTIN: Blessed.
DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, of course. May.
MARTIN: Mm-hm, yep. Cant.
(Flight deck door opens.)
ARTHUR: Here we are, gents. Coffee with nothing in it; tea with everything in it. Great cabin address, Douglas. I love cargo flights.
DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur.
MARTIN: Ooh, Eno!
DOUGLAS: Ooh, eeno?
MARTIN (more slowly): Ooh: Eno.
DOUGLAS: Ah, yes! Sewell.
ARTHUR: Ooh, what are we playing?
MARTIN: Brians of Britain.
ARTHUR: There-there must be loads of them. Umm … uh …
DOUGLAS: Well, not to worry. As they come to you.
ARTHUR: Ooh, who was that guy? Umm, oh, grey-haired, did that game show, “Can I have a P please, Bob?” Umm, oh, what was his name?
DOUGLAS: Your hope being that it was Brian?
ARTHUR: Yeah, Brian … uh … Brian …
MARTIN: Bob Holness. It was Bob Holness.
ARTHUR: That’s it! Oh. Well, does he count anyway?
DOUGLAS: Does Bob Holness count in our list of people called Brian? What the hell, yes, he does. Well done!
FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (over radio): Golf Tango India, expect twenty min delay due runway inspection. Enter the hold at Arden; maintain seven thousand feet.
MARTIN (into radio): Golf Tango India, roger hold at Arden. Maintain seven thousand feet. Can you confirm delay only twenty minutes?
FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (blowing out a breath): Probably. All depends, really.
MARTIN (exasperated): Thank you, Tower. Hugely informative as ever. Out.
(Radio off.)
MARTIN: Sorry, chaps. Looks like we’d better divert to Bristol.
ARTHUR: Bristol? Why?
MARTIN: Fitton’s got a runway closure. We’d have to hold for twenty minutes.
ARTHUR: But Bristol? That’s miles away.
MARTIN: Yes. Luckily enough, though, we’re in an aeroplane, especially designed to be good at going miles away quite quickly.
ARTHUR: Yeah, but my car’s at Fitton.
MARTIN: Oh, well, then, let us by all means circle round it until we drop out of the sky.
DOUGLAS: D’you know, Martin, all these years and I’ve never been to Bristol.
MARTIN: Well, get ready for a treat.
DOUGLAS: I dunno. I was rather hoping not to break my duck.
ARTHUR: Skipper, are you sure there’s not enough fuel to wait? ’Cause there’s always a little bit left when the gauge shows red.
MARTIN: Yes, oddly enough, Arthur, a jet aircraft isn’t as precisely similar to a Vauxhall Corsa as a stupidperson might imagine. We’re going to Bristol.
ARTHUR: What do you reckon, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: We could go to Bristol. I believe people do. However, we’ve easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty.
MARTIN: No, I’m sorry but we’re diverting.
ARTHUR: Yeah, hang on a tick, though. If Douglas reckons twenty minutes …
MARTIN: No, let’s not ‘hang on a tick’. Let’s listen to the captain, shall we?
DOUGLAS: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall.
MARTIN: Thank you.
DOUGLAS: Unless of course we were to smell smoke in the flight deck.
MARTIN: What?
DOUGLAS: I’m just saying: if by any remote chance we smelled smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority – in this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton.
MARTIN: Yes, maybe; but I don’t smell smoke in the flight deck.
(Sound of a match being struck.)
DOUGLAS: How about now?
MARTIN: What are you suggesting, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: We tell the Tower we smell smoke, which we do. We get to land straightaway. They check the aircraft, don’t find anything; “One of life’s little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances.” Everybody’s happy and there’s jam for tea.
ARTHUR: Right! That’s – you know, that’s really clever!
MARTIN: No, I’m sorry, but absolutely not.
DOUGLAS: I used to do it all the time at Air England.
MARTIN: Well, you’re not at Air England now. Where you are now is in the co-pilot’s seat and on the way to Bristol. You’ll like it. They have a lovely suspension bridge.
DOUGLAS: Well, shall I just sat comm Carolyn before we make our final decision? It’s rather an expensive diversion …
MARTIN: No, we have made our final decision. I have decided, and as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am supreme commander of this vessel.
DOUGLAS: Golly. Captain Bligh flies again.
MARTIN: Douglas, I’m not impressed by your Air England mates. When you’re on Captain Bligh’s aircraft, you can do it his way, but when you’re on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood?
DOUGLAS: Yes.
MARTIN: Yes what?
DOUGLAS: Yes it is.
MARTIN: Yes it is what?
DOUGLAS: Yes it is understood.
MARTIN: Yes it is understood what?
DOUGLAS: Yes it is understood … please?
MARTIN: I’m waiting.
DOUGLAS: Martin, you’re not seriously asking me to call you ‘sir’.
MARTIN: Yes I am. Why’s that so hard to believe?
DOUGLAS: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves, I’m old enough to be your father.
MARTIN: Not unless you started very young.
DOUGLAS: I did.
MARTIN: Right, well, I think your age and your previous role is giving you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft, and maybe a little observation of the formalities will help remind you which one of us is still the captain. So: is that understood?
DOUGLAS: Yes …
(Long pause.)
DOUGLAS (grimly): … sir.
MARTIN: Thank you. (Into radio) Fitton Approach, Golf Tango India. In view of your delay, request diversion Bristol.

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CAROLYN: Martin, you’re a berk.
MARTIN: I’m not a berk, Carolyn; I’m an airline captain.
CAROLYN: Wrong on both counts. You’re a colossal berk; and you’re not an airline captain.
(Martin sighs.)
CAROLYN: I don’t have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an airdot.
MARTIN: Look, I’m sorry, Carolyn, but I can’t just magic up extra fuel.
CAROLYN: Yes, and I can’t just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the West Country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Don’t tell me you voluntarily went to Bristol.
DOUGLAS: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sir, Carolyn, but Sir quite properly reminded me that Sir is in command, and we should all obey Sir at all times.
CAROLYN: Who reminded you?
DOUGLAS: Captain Crieff, or – as I am privileged to call him – Sir.
CAROLYN: Martin, you are many things but, believe me, you are not ‘Sir’. If anyone is Sir, I am Sir; and as Sir I am telling you from now on diversions are out.
MARTIN: I see. So if an engine catches fire on take-off, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff and press on for Portugal. Got it.
CAROLYN: All right, Biggles, you divert if something goes very, very seriously wrong, and I am talking, “Oh dear, surely we had two wings when we started,” wrong. Otherwise … otherwise you press on like a brave little soldier and you stop treating my company as a bottomless money pit.
MARTIN: That is completely unfair.
CAROLYN: Is that right? I tell you what, then: why don’t you explain to me why you have the cargo hold heated to thirty degrees all trip?
MARTIN: Did we?
CAROLYN: Didn’t you even know?
MARTIN: Well… the thermostat’s in the hold, you see and …
CAROLYN: You are allowed to look in there when you do the walk-round, you know. It’s not secret. Do you know how much it costs to keep a large metal room toasty warm thirty thousand feet up in the air? It is surprisingly pricey. So listen: next Thursday you’re going to Abu Dhabi and you’re going cheap. You will fly the most no-frills, most cost effective plane it is possible to fly. You will make easyJet look like Air Force One, understood?
MARTIN (quietly): Yes, Carolyn.
DOUGLAS: And who are the lucky passengers on Scrooge McDuck Air?
CAROLYN: No passengers. Some oil exec has moved out there and we’re bringing him everything he owns: furniture, clothes, carpets, cat, the lot.
MARTIN: All right. What time’s the pick-up?
CAROLYN: There’s not going to be a pick-up.
MARTIN: What?
CAROLYN: Well, you remember that thing I said fifteen seconds ago about no frills? Well, astonishingly, that’s still in effect. There will be no taxis. You get to my house at six-thirty and I’ll

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