Ahh, the first winter snow The children will play and soon yellow it glows Tis the season of giving to the less fortunate ones So drop a dime in a bucket for a homeless bum There’s no Santa, Virginia, but don’t you cry I know it’s cold and it’s gray but there’s a light in the sky Underneath it all, there lies a secret tale Mary’s Boy Child, king of Jingle Bells
Fa la la la la la Happy Birthday, Jesus Christmas!
Hey Pagan devil boy, make room for Christ A king dressed in rags promising paradise Sledding into the world on a one horse open sleigh Bringing turtledoves, three French hens, the highest suicide rate Your twelve apostles have become reindeer and snowmen People ask are you married, you say “I don’t know, man” This silent night, holy night celebrated with a cross and nails A Jesus bobble head, a Virgin Mary lingerie sale
A Thanksgiving blessing cut short to go stand in line To get the same low prices they could online A shopping spree reenactment of a night divine Traffic jams behind the flashing red and blue lights Call me a cynic, call me grinch, call Jack Frost Call me Ebenezer, call me Chevy Chase’s boss Call me what you will for pointing out what you lost Tell me how much did that diamond cross around your neck cost?
Ole Saint Nick comes to town bearing gifts For the good boys and girls unless you are a Jew So little baby Jesus we say bah humbug to you But... Surprise!
Happy Birthday Jesus, Black Friday in Hell Your story is more unbelievable than Santa and the elves Wonder baby Jesus, born to be a king Your manger is a shopping center now and you’re a figurine
Your flesh is gingerbread, your blood a fruity wine And you’re healing ornaments for lepers and the blind The Three Wise Men had to take out a loan To bring the newborn son of God a laptop and an iphone
Jesus pissed off in the market at the greed of men People fighting for toys, do they remember then? The true meaning of Christmas is to never own anything But not today, I’m drunk, it’s late and now it’s Christmas morning
I see presents under the tree I wonder how many of those are for me Cookies and milk are gone, that jolly fat bastard was here He better have left some money in my stocking this year What the hell is this, a Walmart gift card? That’s like taking a vacation in a psych ward Aftershave, shaving cream, razor blades That won’t help me with the credit cards bills that I have to pay Another ten months of drowning in debt Then in October I will do it again But I don’t care because I love buying presents Visa and Mastercard can suck my chestnuts
Happy Birthday Jesus, Black Friday in Hell Your story is more unbelievable than Santa and the elves Wonder baby Jesus, born to be a king Your manger is a shopping center now and you’re a figurine
Happy Birthday Jesus! Balloons, magicians, and candy canes Hot cocoa and loot bags and bumper lanes Cinnamon, frankincense ice cream cake Happy Birthday Jesus on this Christmas day!