There ain’t nothing more depressing than a pine tree Gussied up with candy canes and balls Those carollers have kept me up for hours It’s Merry Christmas seeping through my walls
Now I’m no wiccan commie nut or nothing But there’s one damn holiday that I can’t stand It ain’t Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools But it’ll surely make a fool out of every man
If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas You know where to stick those jingle bells If I ain’t hammered it ain’t Hanukkah And all you motherfuckers go to hell If I ain’t cock-eyed it ain’t Quanza Joy to the world of Jack & Cokes If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas ‘Cuz I ain’t ever anything but broke
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles Just the smell of eggnog makes me vomit And those colored lights are fucking infantile
I think we collectively as a people Should rise against this corporate jolly noise And tell the world let’s buy some peace and quiet for a change Before we spend it all on fucking toys
So… If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas You know where to stick those jingle bells If I ain’t hammered it ain’t Hanukkah Fa-la-la-la-la GO FUCK YOURSELF If I ain’t cock-eyed it ain’t Quanza Joy to the world of getting stoned If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone