"There was a dog barking over here, and I yelled at it to shut up. Ray was cathcing his breath, and he was sitting right here. I could see him, but i couldn't see his eyes. He had the gun just clenched up to his throat. And he was just talking with the gun pressed up against his throat. And he said, "I sure fucked my life up" There was blood everywhere. I picked up the shotgun. I had no doubt in my mind, no second thoughts. I knew i was gonna shoot myself. I was afraid, i didn't want to die But I have - I was going to shoot myself. I was like I had no control over it. Cause I didn't want to die. And I ... I shot myself ..."