Derek And Clive - Sex Manual | Текст песни

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• Derek And Clive
• Sex Manual

CLIVE:
If we settled down to do a book, you know, properly researched .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... about how to .....
DEREK:
Fuck a girl, and that.
CLIVE:
No, you can't say, "How To Fuck-", well, you just said it but, I mean, it's 'How To Make Love To A Woman' is what we're talking about.
DEREK:
Well, it could be, or 'How To F-', .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, or b-, Ye-, I take your p-, "How To Fuck A Girl".
DEREK:
..... yeah, "Fuck A Girl".
CLIVE:
"Fuck A Girl", yeah. 'How to get your fucking knob up some cunt'.
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
'How to pull the fuckers'.
DEREK:
Right, O.K., so you ought to-, you ought to start off with a chapter on how to pull the birds and then how to get your fingers in their drawers.
CLIVE:
Well, do we start-, do we start with how to pull the birds or how to avoid the clap?
DEREK:
Well, you've got to pull them before you avoid it.
CLIVE:
Yeah, right, .....
DEREK:
Don't you? Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... that's the way, that's the way to-
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Do you mind if I take notes?
DEREK:
No, I think it'd be good, you know, if you take a few notes.
CLIVE:
I-, I'd also like to masturbate during the conversation 'cause .....
DEREK:
Well, yeah, right, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... when I'm talking about sex I get .....
DEREK:
Get the right .....
CLIVE:
..... a fucking hard-on, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, me too, I get a bit of a stalk.
CLIVE:
Fucking raunchy. You feel like putting your fingers round your knob and getting the whole thing moving, you know.
DEREK:
I like m- (laughs)
CLIVE:
No, carry on, Derek.

(pause)

Now, first things first, .....
DEREK:
Oh, hold on, you're getting me going now. Fuc- (sound of rummaging followed by laughing)
CLIVE:
I don't know why you carry toffees in your pockets.
DEREK:
No, I've got all this gum round my knob.
CLIVE:
Oh, I see. No, no, let's-, let's-, let's delve into the subject briefly.
DEREK:
(rummaging and moaning) Ohh fuck.
CLIVE:
L-, let-, let's say, for example, .....
DEREK:
Hold on. Ohhhh fuck!
CLIVE:
Let's say, for example, .....
DEREK:
Ohh!!
CLIVE:
..... you've met this .....
DEREK:
Urghh!! (laughs) Urraagh!!
CLIVE:
You've met-, you've-
DEREK:
HOLD ON!!
CLIVE:
No, no, .....
DEREK:
AARGH!!
CLIVE:
..... WE'RE TRYING TO DO RESEARCH HERE!
DEREK:
Nnng-ah! AAAARRRGGGHH!!!
CLIVE:
You're never going to get women .....
DEREK:
GGHH-EHH!!
CLIVE:
..... just sitting in a bar .....
DEREK:
GGRRRGGHHH!!
CLIVE:
..... wanking.
DEREK:
BRRRGGHH! Ohh, fucking hell!
CLIVE:
Now can we have a sens- .....
DEREK:
No, I don't want a-, ahh, .....
CLIVE:
Can we have a sensible discussion? You're in this bar, you see, and there's this bird you fancy .....
DEREK:
Right, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and .....
DEREK:
Ohh, I'm exhausted.
CLIVE:
..... the best thing you can do to appeal to her is .....
DEREK:
Is get your knob out, put it in her hand and cry.
CLIVE:
That's one method. That's mainly used by Jesuits.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
But a sophisticated man of the Western world understands that a woman is a sensitive little fucker and, er, .....
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
..... so have to, you know, come on with a bit of chat like, erm, .....
DEREK:
"Do you fuck?"
CLIVE:
One approach. S-
DEREK:
"Do you suck cock?"
CLIVE:
Another approach.
DEREK:
And approach 'C'?
CLIVE:
Approach 'C' is, like, saying, "Oh! Don't tell me! You're .....
DEREK:
A coc

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