I don't do crack, I've never seen cocaine And fortunately I rarely pop an Aspirin when in pain 'Cause I wanna be - of alcohol or any drug at all - completely free But I self-medicate with tea (doot-da-doot-doot) I know just where to go to get my fix: The beverage aisle At Starbucks, I confess, I get my kicks I'm not in denial My oolong heals Your dealer deals for quite a hefty fee So I self-medicate with tea (doo-da-loo-doo) It's not that I'm not miserable as any old drunk My life is no more bearable than any old junkie I'd jump out a window Suicide's a sin though I've found another way There's no amount I wouldn't pay To overdose on Earl Grey Or English Breakfast When I'm hopped up on caffeinated Chai I'm feeling the buzz And when you asked if I liked to get high I already was It's black or green or in-between Sometimes it looks like weed But my self-medicating Improves my mental stating I don't need to go to rehab Or to set up a meth lab I may be a cynic But the Betty Ford clinic Isn't ever gonna break me from my habit of choice It's my opium, my Xanax and it's good for my voice I hope you comprehend my reasoning Twinings, Liptons, even Celestial Seasonings Keep your marijuana I got my own remedy I self-self-medicate with tea Boom It's chamomile Yeah