George Carlin - Coast-to-Coast Emergency | Текст песни

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• George Carlin
• Coast-to-Coast Emergency

I'm an interesting guy!
I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is, it's gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions, until it gets completely out of control, and I'll give you a concrete example...
Let's say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles, and it floods an electrical substation, knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city, and emergency vehicles can't get through!
..and at the same time, one of those month-long global warming heatwaves comes along, but there's no air conditioning, there's no water for sanitation...
So cholera, smallpox and dysentery break out, and thousands of people start dying in the streets! But before they die, parasites eat their brains!
...and they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital, but the hospital can't handle all the casualties, so these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire...!
...and the flames drive them ever crazier, so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men...!
And a big wind comes along, and the entire city goes up in flames, and the people who are still healthy, they get mad at the sick people and they start crucifying them! Nailing them into crosses, trying on their underwear, shit like that!
Then everybody smokes crack, and PCP and they march on City Hall, where they burn the Mayor at the stake, strangle his wife, and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flint!
And at this point, it looks like pretty soon things are gonna start to get out of control!
So everybody panics, and tries to leave the city at the same time, and they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands, and wild dogs eat their corpses...
...and the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway, and one by one the dogs pick up the old fucks and the slow people, 'cause they're in the fast lane, where they don't belong!
Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you're an old fuck, if you're a slow fuck! Get over on the right! And then...
And the lucky ones, the lucky people who managed to make it all the way outside of town, they discover when they get there, that big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire...!
...and the suburbs burn uncontrollolably, and thousands of identical homes, of identical fires with identical smoke...
...killing all the identical soccer moms, and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer...!
And now the fire spreads on the farmlands, and the farmlands burn intensely, at 425 degrees, creating millions of baked potatoes, and...
...as the farmlands burn, thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all the heat and metamphetamine labs!
...and the meth chemicals run down into the rivers and streams, while wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed!
So bears and wolves amped up on crank start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat!
Even though they're not really hungry!
And the fire spreads through the forests, and the forests burn furiously, and hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods, screaming: "Bambi's dead! Bambi's dead!"
And he is! He is! Finally that fucking little cunt Bambi is dead! Dead! Now...!
Now, hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno...!
...and all twelve of the western United States are burning out of control....! Except Utah, where the mormons don't love fires...
And the fires spread across the great plains, toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing... hamburgers, actually!
And it leads to Mississippi, and rinses thru the South, blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings and killing millions of in-bred people, and then -
...it turns north-east and heads for Washington D.C., where George Bush can't decide if it's an emergency or not!
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