George Carlin - Interview with Jesus | Текст песни

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• George Carlin
• Interview with Jesus

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I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus?

JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back.

I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back?

JC: Mostly nostalgia.

I: Well, could you tell us, Jesus, a little about the first time you were here?

JC: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas.

I: Yes.

JC: And, uh, actually, that always bothered me, because, uh, that way, I only got one present. Y'know, if I was born a couple months earlier, I woulda had two presents. But look, I'm not complainin'; it's only material.

I: Were you really born in a stable?

JC: Nahhh. I was born in a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That's how the story got started.

I: And is it true that there was no room at the inn?

JC: Oh, no. They had room, it's just that we didn't have reservations. My father, Joseph- God bless him. He was a simple man. He didn't travel much. He forgot to make reservations.

I: There's a story that there were three wise men.

JC: Well, there were three kings who showed up. Uh, I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me.

I: Didn't they bring gifts?

JC: Yes. Gold, frankincense and I believe myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You wouldn't happen to know what myrrh is for, do you?

I: Well, I believe it's a reddish, brown bitter gum resin.

JC: Oh, great! Great! Just what I need; a gum resin! What am I going to do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money. That way, I could go out and buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself.

I: What would that be?

JC: Oh, I don't know...a bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. A bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. You realize all the walkin' I did? I musta crossed Canaan six, eight times; up and down, north and south. Walkin' and talkin'. Doin' miracles, tellin' stories.

I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?

JC: A total of 107 miracles...not countin' the loaves and the fishes.

I: Why don't you count the loaves and the fishes?

JC: Well, technically, that one wasn't a miracle.

I: It wasn't?!

JC: No, turns out a lotta people were puttin' 'em back. Didn't like 'em. Actually not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.

I: (surprised) Wh, what do you mean? What were they if they weren't miracles?!

JC: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, we had hallucinations, even acupressure. That was how I cured most of the blind guys- acupressure.

I: So, not all of the New Testament is true.

JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lotta drugs. See, Luke was a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.

I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?

JC: First of all, he wasn't dead. He was hung over. I told people that.

I: But in the Bible, you said he was dead.

JC: Uh, uh. I said he looked dead. I said, "Hey! He looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper. Plus, the day before, we had been to a wedding feast and he had put away a lotta wine.

I: Ah, was that the Wedding Feast of Cana where you changed the water into wine?

JC: Uh, I don't know. I, uh, we went to an awful lotta wedding feasts in those days.

I: But did you really ever turn water into wine?