In 2001 after being approached by Scientology recruiters, Keanu Reeves is reported to have said, "Why join a cult... when I can BE a cult?!" Allegedly he shoved the recruiters to the ground and ran away laughing maniacally. 5 months later his agent finally located him in a small African village near lake Victoria, leading an apocalyptic death cult. The UN report on the aftermath remains classified but rumors speak of mass graves, human sacrifice, and murals of Mr.Reeve's face made out of the bones of children. Beneath the village it is said that the cult of Ogamboo Metukalu (The One) had 2,000 slave laborers digging a secret underground temple complex where the cult intended to live after the Apocalypse. Mr.Reeve's agent says the Hollywood star has put that part of his life behind him and chalks it up to poor judgment brought on by a flu, but if that is the case, why does Keanu continue to make routine trips to Africa to this day? And why are cases of missing children around Lake Victoria more than 20 times higher than the average of the rest of Africa? Mr.Reeve's agent declined to comment.
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