There ain't nothing more depressing then a pine tree Gussied up candy canes and balls Those carolers have kept me up for hours It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls Now I'm no wiccan commie or nothing But there's one holiday I can't stand It's ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools But it'll surely make a fool out of everyman HA If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas You know where to stick those jingle bells If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah And all you motherfuckers go to hell If I ain't gaga then it ain't quanza Joy to the world and jack and coke If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas and I ain't never anything but broke Now every year the malls are just a madhouse Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit And those colored lights are fucking infantile I think we collectively as the people Should rise against this corporate jolly noise And tell the world Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change. Before we spend it all on fucking toys. So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas You know where to stick those jingle bells If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah Fa la la la la go fuck yourself! if I ain't gaga it ain't quanza Joy to the world of getting stoned and if i ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.