HSV - BroVriskaDave | Текст песни

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• BroVriskaDave

[Interior of a car. Maybe a slight engine hum and some muffled car honking, just general road noises.]

Vriska: So, you’re finally taking me to your place, Dave? I didn’t think a cool kid like you would be so slow to invite a lady back to your dream bubble hive.

Dave: Oh my fucking god, don’t call me a cool kid. I swear, if every god damn troll chick starts calling me “cool kid,” I’m going to flip a bitch.

Vriska: What does that even mean? Is “flip a bitch” actually a phrase that exists in your culture, or are you just doing your whole ironic shtick?

Dave: I made it up. Literally every obscure phrase that comes out of my mouth is a bunch of verbs and swears mashed together on the fly. It’s like… shitty expression improv. Have a seat, get some two dollar coffee and turn off your cell phones, then watch me stand up on stage and come up with ridiculous raunchy actions because my real acting career never came to be. I probably wish I was somewhere else right now. If only that audition landed me a part in that upcoming indie movie. You know the one. But I won’t get into my personal life, I’m here to entertain, even if I am totally disappointed with my job. Anyways, come to my show at 5 o’clock. I’ll flip a bitch and shit will fly off the handle… or something. I don’t know if I’ve worn that phrase into the ground yet. Whatever, it’s cool, I’ll just pull another shitty phrase that makes no sense out of my ass. That’s what you’re paying for.

Vriska: … I’m sorry, I kind of zoned after a while. I couldn’t tell if that was sarcasm or not, so I just stopped paying attention.

Dave: It was sarcasm.

Vriska: Wow… How much further is it to your hive?

Dave: We’re in a dream bubble. We could have just zapped ourselves to my place ten minutes ago.

[Zap]

Dave: See? Here we are, outside my pad. Your feet are kinda tired from walking up all those stairs, and you’re looking to take a load-off on my couch while I fix you a drink. “I warned you about the stairs,” I say. “It kept happening,” you repl-

Vriska: [cuts him off] So you subjected me to that “shitty expression improv” rant for no reason?

Dave: Pretty much.

Vriska: Ugh. Fuck you!

Dave: Yeah, I get the idea that’s what you want. I don’t blame you, I’m a pretty smooth dude. Did you see the way I just zapped us to my apartment? That’s pretty smooth.

Vriska: [laugh] You are NOT smooth. You’re about as smooth as you are cool. You use metaphors that go on for hours about NOTHING to try and sound cool. How is that cool on any level?

Dave: I thought you spaced out.

Vriska: Okay, maybe I was half-listening. I was just mildly impressed you could spew bullshit for so long.

Dave: What can I say? I spew bullshit like a cow with some major irritable bowel syndrome. Hang in there, Ol’ Bessy, we’ll get you some fiber on the double. All that bovine anal leakage must be tough.

Vriska: Talking about excretion is kind of killing the mood, Dave. I mean, your idea of cool is really fucked up. And don’t just tell me it’s “irony.” The literal meaning of irony is, like, way different from the way you use it to justify acting like a dweeb.

Dave: Woah, dweeb? That’s harsh, Serket. That hurts my feelings big time.

Vriska: Shh. Just… stop talking. Please. Shut up.

[Silence.]

Vriska: Now open the door without another word, and you MAY IN FACT get lucky.

[Jingling of keys. Unlocking. Door creaks open.]

Bro: [footsteps] Well, took you long enough, lil’ man. I think it’s about time for bed-[cuts himself off] … Well now, who’s this?

Dave: Oh god, I forgot he might be here.

Bro: Well, I live here, and it’s not like I go out much. Who’s your… devil-lookin’ lady friend?

Vriska: Who’s your hot custodian?

Bro: Custodian? Ha. I’m no janitor, missy. I’m a little bit more successful than that…

Vriska: Oh?

Bro: Yep. I sell smuppets. You’ve probably heard of them, I make a fuckload of money off of the things. Of cou

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