What’s the greatest problem now throughout the land What’s the only problem needs a helping hand It isn’t Philip Snowden, or tax relief I find It’s something more important now on everybody’s mind Just walk into any home today It’s ten to one you’ll hear each husband say
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet Home isn’t home any more No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes Where are the pies I adore Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a disgrace I’m ashamed to look a grapefruit straight in the face My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet I’m losing a pound every day
Monday, grapefruit, breakfast and for dinner And at night some orange juice Tuesday, grapefruit, boys I growing thinner All my clothes are getting loose Wednesday, Thursday, I feel satisfied Then I change to coffee, with grapefruit on the side Friday till Sunday is more than I can stand Before the eighteenth day I’ll have a lily in my hand
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet Home isn’t home any more No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes Where are the pies I adore Crabs and shrimps I must leave alone I’m the only lobster she’ll allow in my home My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet She’s gaining a pound every day
(Musical Break)
Oh, oh, oh, she’s driving me wild One look at her onions and I cry like a child.