There are stories of pleasure, there are stories of pain But the gods torment me with slabs of rain It started on a Thursday and went a double fortnight And Junior read Stern by the pilot light He ate more cheese than time allowed So we stood him up sharp, we stood him up proud And they looked at him funny, but they looked at him twice Undressing with the eyeballs, verbal lashing him with spice I speak the truth, I tell no lies Been masturbatin' since the Fourth of July Spill the beans, spill 'em all The precipitation filled Spring from Fall He didn't like faxes, he didn't like phones When he stood among many, he stands alone He loved his sausage, but shied from greens Used to spin his little sister in the washin' machine