Sacha Baron Cohen: Welcome M'sier Sit yourself down And meet the best Innkeeper in town As for the rest All of them crooks Rooking the guests And cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the House Doling out the charm Ready with a handshake And an open palm Tells a saucy tale Makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon viveur! Glad to do my friends a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice but nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price Master of the House Keeper of the zoo Ready relieve them of a sou, or two Watering the wine, making up the weight Picking up their knick-knacks When they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases, Jesus don't I bleed them in the end!
All together: Master of the House Quick to catch yer eye Never wants a passerby To pass him by Servant to the poor Butler to the great Comforter, philosopher And lifelong mate Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone
Sacha Baron Cohen: But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin ya to the bone!
Food beyond compare Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer And pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse Liver of a cat Filling up the sausages With this and that Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges plus some little extra on the side
Charge them for the lice Extra for the mice Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice There a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices There are lots of tricks to know How it all increases All them bits and pieces Jesus! It's amazing how it grows
Helena Bonham Carter: I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since? `Master of the house?' Isn't worth me spit! `Comforter, philosopher' - and lifelong shit! Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover But there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted Living with this bastard in the house
Master of the house. Master and a half! Comforter, philosopher Ah, don't make me laugh! Servant to the poor. Butler to the great. Hypocrite and toady and inebriate! Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the master's arse. Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!