Old Bro Strider was hoppin' around Skaia City like a big playground When suddenly Karkat burst from the shade And hit Bro Strider with a Crab Grenade! Bro Strider got pissed and began to attack, But didn't expect to be blocked by Jack, Who proceeded to open up a can of Jack-Fu When Tholluckth Captor came out of the blue, And he started beatin' up on Jack Noir Then they both got flattened by the Karkat Car Before he could make it back to the Crab Cave Colonel Sassacre popped out of his grave And took an automatic pistol out from under his hat, Blew Karkat away with a rat-a-tat-tat, Then he ran out of bullets and he ran away, Because Becquerel came to save the day!
(Chorus) This is the Ultimate Showdown! Of Ultimate Alchemy! Trolls, Dersites, Humans and Agents! As far as the eye can see! And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be? This is the Ultimate Showdown! Of Ultimate Alchemy!
Bro Strider took a slice out of Becquerel While Hephaestus came up like a bat out of hell! Then Jack came back covered in a tire track, But Nepeta jumped out and landed on his back! And Karkat was injured and trying to get steady When Colonel Sassacre came back with a machete Then suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped-- Aradia Megiddo took him out with a whip! Then she saw Bro Strider sneakin' up from behind And she reached for her gun, which she just couldn't find 'Cause Karkat stole it and he shot and he missed And Nepeta deflected it with her fist Then she jumped in the air and she did a somersault While Colonel Sassacre tried to pole vault Onto Becquerel, but they collided in the air, Then they both got hit by an Oglogoth Stare!
(Chorus) Angels cried out With a thunderous crack As down from the heavens Came Equius Zahhak Who delivered a kick Which could shatter lead Directly into Aradia's head Which flew through the air And onto Jack's knife While Karkat Vantas Reached for his scythe But Equius saw his frenzied rush And turned Karkat's head Into gooey mush.
THEN STRIDER THE RED AND STRIDER THE BLACK AND EVERY SINGLE LUSUS COMING BACK TO BACK, AND THE WARWEARY VILLEIN, AND THE SECRET WIZARD AND CRUMPLEHAT AND DAVE'S PICKLED LIZARDS, SPIDERMOM, ROSE LALONDE, MOTHER GRUB, JOHN'S BATHTUB, SNOWMAN, NANNAQUIN, EVERY SINGLE FELT MEMBER, SWEET FUCKIN' BRO AND HELLA JEFF, PAL; HALLEY, MUTIE, DOC SCRATCH AND LI'L CAL All came out of nowhere, lightning fast! And they kicked Equius in his Alternian ass! It was the funniest battle that the world ever saw With Prospitians looking on in total awe!
The fight raged on for a century, Many lives were claimed, but eventually A champion stood (the rest all were slain) Fuckin' Clubs Deuce with a bull penis cane.