Suppose one day in Bromley, Kent I live my nightmare and am sent To sing for blonde suburban women Before the wives of double-glazers I'd be Julio Inglesias Doing the greats in Argentinian
Suppose they Barry Manilow me Screaming "Show me you're a man" With legs as mottled as salami Ladies, I'm doing the best I can This is how Casanova's bum becomes a lesson in virility Set to a bossanova drum Sung to tarts decked out like Christmas trees
Then in my dressing room I'd see This elephant as pink as me Drinking and singing gloomily About the time they called me, yeah the time the called me, About the time they called me "Nicky"
If I could be him! For only an hour If I could be him! Before his grand finale If I could be me, if I could only be cute, cute, cute, absolutely banal!
Suppose one evening in Mauritius Entertaining high officials High on whores and marijuana Begging letters from celebrities Begging "Couldn't you write songs for me?" I'd blackmail David Bowie and the Dalai Lama
And I'd be an industrialist of song And I could sell with a wink The best in showbiz and in drink Korean floorshows, whiskey from the Congo? (whiskey from the Congo) Me, I'd have a ring on every finger And a thumb in every stake And every stake would be the singer's And acknowledged, I would legislate
The in my Hong Kong orchid den Waiting for 1999 I'd spend the years of my decline Do you remember the time they called me, yeah the time they called me, Oh the time they called me "Nicky"
If I could be him! For only an hour If I could be him! Before his grand finale If I could be me, if I could only be cute, cute, cute, absolutely banal!
Suppose one day in paradise I find myself to my surprise Singing for ladies flapping swans wings And plucking on my little harp I'd be a beacon in the dark And save the souls of human beings
Then Jesus Christ has hardly christened me Son-of-the-one-in-the-directory Between Vic and Jean-Luc Goddard And I grow my beard and walk on water And if I really came on strong And started prancing and Cliff Richard-ing I know it wouldn't be too long Before I heard the shadows whispering
How Satan's come in from the cold He's now the shepherd in his fold They're shouting out requests for oldies From the time they called me, yeah the time they called me, Yeah the time they called me "Nicky"
If I could be him! For only an hour If I could be him! Before his grand finale If I could be me, if I could only be cute, cute, cute, good, absolutely banal!
He could fall asleep at night He could fall in love all right He could fall asleep at night
He could fall asleep at night He could fall in love all right He could fall asleep at night
He could fall asleep at night He could fall in love all right