Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman: Hello.
Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?
Portman: Do you really want to know?
Parnell: Yes, tell us… Portman: I don’t sleep mother f***er off that yak and durban doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’
Seth Meyers: D**n Natalie you a crazy chick
Portman: Yo shut the f*** up and suck my d**k I bust in dudes mouth like gushers mother f***er roll up on NBC and smack the s**t outta Jeff Zucker
Guys: What you want Natalie Portman: to drink and fight Guys: what you need Natalie Portman: to f*** all night
Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue put my foot down your throat till you s**t in my shoe leave you screaming pay for my dry cleaning f*** your man It’s my name that he’s screamin’
Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated? Portman: I never said I was a role model. Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my d**k It’s Portman mother f***er drink till I’m sick slit your throat and poor nitrous down the hole watch you laugh and cry while I laugh you die and all the dudes you know I’m talkin to you Guys: we love you natalie Portman: I wanna f*** you too P is for portman P is for <meow> i’ll kill your f**in dog for fun so don’t push me
Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate. Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me. Parnell: Really? Such as?
When I was in Harvard I smoked weed every day I cheated every test and snorted all the yay I gotta a def posse and you gotta buncha dudes I sit down on your face and take a s**t
Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass biiiiiiiitch (hell yeah!) and I always pay for your dry cleanin when my s**t gets in your shoe as for the drug use well I can vouch for that my d**k is scared of you girl
Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–
(Portman throws chair at Parnell) Portman: No more questions