(Trad / Adam McNaughtan) There was this king sleepin' in his gairten all alane When his brither in his ear drapped a wee tate o' henbane He stole his brither's crown an' his money an' his widow But the deid king walked an' got his son and said, Noo listen, kiddo I've been killed and it's yer duty tae take revenge on Claudius So kill him quick an' clean an' show the nation what a fraud he is The boy said, Right, I'll dae it but I'll have tae play it crafty And so naeb'dy will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty
So to all except Horatio, an' he trusts him as a friend Hamlet, that's the boy, kids on he's roon' the bend An' because he wisnae ready for obligatory killin' He tried tae mak' the king think he was tuppence aff the shillin' Took the micky oot Polonius, treated poor Ophelia vile Tell't Rosencrantz an' Guildenstern Denmark was a jile Then a troop of travelling actors, like Seven-Eighty-Four Arrived tae dae a special one-night gig in Elsinore
Hamlet, Hamlet loved his mammy Hamlet, Hamlet, actin' barmy Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitatin' Wonders if the ghost's a cheat An' that is why he's waitin'
So Hamlet writes a scene for the players to enact So Horatio an' him could watch to see if Claudius cracked The play was ca'd 'The Moosetrap' - no' the one that's runnin' noo An' sure enough, the king walked oot before the scene was through So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius gie'd his Da' the dose The only problem bein' noo Claudius knows he knows While Hamlet tells his mammy her new husband's no' a fit one Uncle Claud puts oot a contract with the English king as hit-man
When Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed Corpus Delicti Was the king's excuse tae send him for an English hempen necktie Wi' Rosencrantz an' Guildenstern tae make sure he'd get there But Hamlet jumped the boat an' put the finger on that pair Then Laertes heard his Da' had been stabbed through the arras He came racin' back tae Elsinore tout-d'-suite hot-foot frae Paris Ophelia wi' her Da' killed by the man she wished tae marry After sayin' it wi' flooers she committed hari-kari
Hamlet, Hamlet, nae messin' Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust Convinced him that men good or bad At last return tae dust
Then Laertes lost his place an' wis demandin' retribution But the king said, Keep the heid, I'll provide ye a solution So he arranged a swordfight for the interested pairties Wi' a blunt sword for Hamlet an' a shairp sword for Laertes To make things double sure - the old belt-'n'-braces line He fixed a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup o' wine The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went an' muffed it Cos' he got stabbed hissel' an' he confessed before he snuffed it
Then Hamlet's mammy drank the wine an' as her face turned blue Hamlet said, I quite believe the king's a baddie noo Incestuous, treacherous, damned Dane, he said, to be precise An' made up for hesitatin' by killin' Claudius twice Cos' he stabbed him wi' the sword, forced the wine between his lips He said, The rest is silence - that was, Hamlet had his chips They fired a volley o'er him that shook the topmost rafters An' Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after
Hamlet, Hamlet, a' the gory Hamlet, Hamlet, end o' story Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm away And if you think this is borin' You should read the bloody play