This is the story Of a mighty forest of chest hair It belonged to the sexiest dwarf Who most will admit was beyond compare
He stood 4’3” Had eyes that shone like lyrium Had no beard but his chest alone Had my heart from day one
Varric when I met you Didn’t have a sovereign to my name I’d met your awful brother But you weren’t the same
It must’ve been cupid’s arrow You shot at me that day Introduced me to Bianca And now all I can say
Varric! You bastard! You wooed me with your low-cut shirt And then you left me out to dry
And Varric, Baby I’d drop everyone else I’ve ever known If you’d promise to be my only guy
Who could ever choose a mage Or a sparkly warrior? A pirate who doesn’t wear pants A blood mage who wears fur?
I’ll tell you what they share Why they don’t make my heart explode They don’t have any chest hair So they won’t be exploring my Deep Roads
But Varric, he can He can go spelunking any time As long as he promises to be true
And Varric, baby, I’ll love you till we fall into the sky I’ll do almost anything for you
You may be married to your crossbow But she ain’t the only one She can never love you Like a Champion
Varric! Darling! Let me be a lumberjack In the forest on your chest
And Varric, baby, Let me get a little closer to you And learn why Hawke’s the very best (Even Andraste’d be impressed) (At that thing he’s got on his chest)