Sketches - The bank | Текст песни

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• The bank

Scene: The manager's office in a bank
Characters: Miss D. Posit: the bank manager,
Monica: Miss Posit's secretary,
Mr. Moore: a customer,
a bank robber
(Miss Posit is sitting on her desk. The intercom
buzzes.)
Miss Posit: Yes, Monica?
Monica: Miss Posit, there's a gentlemen
to see you. Mr. Moore.
Miss Posit: Ah, yes. Mr. Moore. Bring him in
please, Monica.
Monica: Yes, Miss Posit.
(Monica brings Mr. Moore in.)
Miss Posit: Good morning, Mr. Moore.
Mr. Moore: Good morning.
Miss Posit: Thank you, Monica,
(Monica leaves the office.)
Miss Posit: Do sit down, Mr. Moore.
Mr. Moore: Thank you.
(He sits down.)
Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore, the situation is
like this. Your account is in the
red.
Mr. Moore: Pardon?
Miss Posit: In the red.
Mr. Moore: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Miss Posit: In the red. Overdrawn.
Mr. Moore: Overdrawn. No, I'm sorry, I've
never heard that word before in
my life.
Miss Posit: It's very simple, Mr. Moore. It
means that you've taken more
money out of the bank than
you've put in.
Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. Thank you very much.
Miss Posit: I don't think you quite understand,
Mr. Moore. It means that
you've put in less than you've
taken out.
Mr. Moore: Oh!
Miss Posit: Your account is overdrawn. £200
overdrawn.
Mr. Moore: £200 overdrawn. I see. Well,
don't worry. I can put that right
immediately.
Miss Posit: Oh, good.
Mr. Moore: Yes, I'll write you a cheque, shall
I?
(He takes out his cheque-book
and begins to write.)
Mr. Moore: Now... two hundred pounds...
Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, if you
write me a cheque for £200,
you'll be overdrawn more, Mr.
Moore.
Mr. Moore: I beg your pardon?
Miss Posit: More, Mr. Moore. M-O-R-E, more
Mr. Moore: No, no...double-O...M-double-OR-E,
Mr. Moore. It is my name.
Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, I don't think you
quite understand the situation.
You see -
(The robber comes in suddenly.)
Robber: Nobody move!
Miss Posit: you see, if you write me a
cheque for £200 -
Robber I said: 'Nobody move!
Miss Posit: Can I help you?
Robber: That's better. You
Mr. Moore: Me?
Robber: Yes. Read this.
(He gives Mr. Moore a note.)
Mr. Moore: Oh. OK. Er... (Reading) Two
pounds of tomatoes, six eggs,
and a packet of chocolate biscuits.'
Robber: No, no, no. The other side.
Mr. Moore: Oh, sorry. Er,..(Reading) 'Give
me all your...honey, or I'll...kiss
you.'
Robber: Not honey - money.
Mr. Moore: Oh, sorry. (Reading) 'Give me all
your money, or I'll kiss you.'
Robber: Not kiss - kill
Mr. Moore: Oh. Er...Miss Posit, I think this is
for you.
(He gives the note to Miss Posit.)
Miss Posit: (Reading) Give me all your
money, or I'll kill you.' I see.
Would you sit down for a
moment?
Robber: Sit down?
Miss Posit: Yes, I'm very busy at the
moment. Please sit over there.
Robber: But
Miss Posit: I'll be with you in a moment.
(The robber sits down.)
Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore. How much do
you earn?
Mr. Moore: £35 a week.
Robber: Excuse me.
Miss Posit: Just one moment, please!...So
you earn £35 a week. How much
do you spend?
Mr. Moore: £70 a week.
Robber: Excuse me -
Miss Posit: One moment, please!!...£70 a
week. So you spend twice as
much as you earn.
Mr. Moore: Yes, I earn half as much as I
spend.
Miss Posit: How do you do it?
Mr. Moore: It's easy. I use my cheque-book.
Miss Posit: Exactly, Mr. Moore!
Robber: Excuse me.
Miss Posit: Yes!!
Robber: I make £2,000 a week.
Miss Posit: £2,000 a week? And how much
do you spend?
Robber: £1,000 a week.
Miss Posit: Really? So you save £1,000 a
week.
Robber: Yes.
Miss Posit : (Very politely) Would you like to
sit here?
Robber: Thank you.
Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, would you sit over
there for a moment?
(The robber and Mr. Moore
change places.)
Miss Posit: So you save £1,000 a week.
Robber: Yes.
Miss Posit: Tell me...where do you keep this
money?
Robber: Here. In this bag.
(He puts a large bag full of
money on the desk.)
Miss Posit: Oh. Oh, yes. Very nice.
Um...would you like to open an
account, Mr....?
Robber: Mr. Steele.
Miss Posit: Steele. I see. S-T-double E-L-E?
Robber: Yes, that's right.
Miss Posit: Well, just excuse me one
moment, Mr. Steele, and I'll get
the necessary papers.
Robber: Certainly.
Mr. Moore: Excuse me...
Robber: Yes?
Mr. Moore: You make £2,000 a week.
Robber: Yes.
Mr. Moore: How do you do it?
Robber: I rob banks.
Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. You rob banks and
steal the money.
Robber: Yes
Mr. Moore: How do you do it?
Robber: It's easy. You take a gun.
Mr. Moore: I haven't got a gun.
Robber: Oh...well, borrow mine.
Mr. Moore: Thank you very much.
(Mr. Moore takes the gun and
fires it.)
Robber: Be careful! You take a gun and
you take a note.
Mr. Moore: Oh, yes, the note. That's very
good. I like that. (Reading) Two
pounds of tomatoes, six eggs
Robber: The other side!
Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. (Reading)
'Give me all your
honey, or I'll kiss
you!'
Robber: 'Money' and 'kill'
Mr. Moore: Oh, yes.
Robber: You take
the note,
go into the bank,
and put the note
on the bank
manager's desk.
Mr. Moore: Is that all?
Robber: Yes. Mr. Moore.
Mr. Moore: I see.
(Miss Posit comes back into the
office.)
Miss Posit: Ah. yes. Now, Mr. Steele
Mr. Moore: Give me all your honey...money,
or I'll kiss...kill you.
Miss Posit: Money, Mr. Moore? Certainly.
Take this bag.
(She gives Mr. Moore the robber's
bag.)
Mr. Moore: Oh, thank you. That was easy.
Robber: Yes, but
Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, your account is still
£200 overdrawn.
Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. Well...um...Here you
are.
(He gives her £200 from the
robber's bag.)
Mr. Moore: £50... £ 100... £ I 50.. .£200.
Robber: But... But...
Miss Posit: Thank you, Mr. Moore.
Mr. Moore: Goodbye.
(Mr. Moore leaves.)
Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Steele - your account
Robber: But...But...But...
Miss Posit: Mr. Steele...
Robber: Just a minute! I think something's
gone wrong. Hey, you!
Come back! Bring back my
money - and my gun! Come
back!
(He runs after Mr. Moore.)
Miss Posit: (On the intercom) Monica, would
you bring me some coffee,
please? Some strong black coffee...

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