Sketches - World record | Текст песни

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• World record

Scene: A TV studio
Characters: Michael Moonshine, Albert
Hargreaves, Daisy Hargreaves
(Albert's wife), Mabel Phillips,
a man
Michael: Thank you. thank you, thank you.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is
the program that gives you the
chance to break a world record. We
have here in the studio tonight two
people who are trying to break
world records. Let's meet them
and see what they're doing. Tell
me, sir, what is your name?
Albert: Albert Hargreaves.
Michael: Albert Hargreaves. Well, Albert,
what are you doing?
Albert: I'm standing on one leg in a bucket
of hot soup.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, he's standing
on one leg in a bucket of hot
soup!
(The audience applauds.)
Michael: Albert, how long have you been
standing on one leg in that bucket
of hot soup?
Albert: I've been standing here for six
hours and fifty-eight minutes.
Michael: And what is the world record for
standing on one leg in a bucket of
hot soup?
Albert: The world record is seven hours
and three minutes, Michael.
Michael: Seven hours and three minutes!
And you've been standing there for
six hours and fifty-nine minutes
now. Well, Albert, you've only got
four minutes to go!
(The audience applauds.)
Michael: Albert, you've been standing on
one leg in that bucket of soup for
almost seven hours now.
Albert: That's right, Michael.
Michael: Tell me - is the soup still hot?
Albert: Yes. My wife's been coming in
every half-hour with more hot
soup. Here she comes now.
(Mrs Hargreaves comes in.)
Daisy: Here you are, Albert.
(She pours some hot soup into the
bucket.)
Albert: Aaaargh!
Michael: Well, I'm glad it's your leg in the
soup. Albert, and not mine.
(The audience laughs.)
Michael: Now we have another contestant in
the studio, a very charming young
lady. Can you tell the viewers your
name?
Mabel: Mabel Phillips.
Michael: Mabel Phillips. Well, Mabel, what
are you doing?
Mabel: I'm leaning on this brush.
Michael: She's leaning on a brush, ladies
and gentlemen!
(The audience applauds.)
Michael: Mabel, how long have you been
leaning on that brush?
Mabel: I've been leaning on this brush for
three hours and seventeen minutes.
Michael: She's been leaning on the brush for
three hours and seventeen minutes.
What is the world record for
leaning on a brush, Mabel?
Mabel: Thirty-seven hours and fifty-six
minutes.
Michael: Thirty-seven hours and fifty-six
minutes! And you've been leaning
on that brush for three hours and
seventeen minutes, Well, Mabel,
you've got...three, four, five, six -
you've got a long way to go!
(The audience laughs.)
Michael: Well, Albert has been standing on
one leg in his bucket of hot soup
for seven hours and one minute, so
he's only got two more minutes to
go! Poor Mabel's got a long way to
go...And here is another young
man - and he hasn't got any
trousers on.
(The audience laughs.)
Michael: Now, sir, what are you doing?
Man: I'm looking for my trousers.
Michael: I can see that. And how long have
you been looking for your
trousers?
Man: I've been looking for my trousers
for five minutes.
Michael: And what's the world record?
Man: Pardon?
Michael: What's the world record for looking
for trousers?
Man: I'm not trying to break a world
record. I took my trousers off to
have a bath, and when I got out of
the bath, my trousers were gone.
Michael: I see. Get out of the way! We're on
television! The audience laughs.
Michael: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Now back to Albert
Hargreaves. Albert, you've been
standing in that bucket of hot soup
for seven hours and two minutes.
Only one more minute to go, and
you will break the world record.
And here comes Mrs. Hargreaves
with more hot soup!
Daisy: Here you are, Albert.
(She pours some more soup into
the bucket.)
Albert: Aaaargh!
Michael: Tell me. Albert, how does it feel?
Albert: Hot!
(The audience laughs.)
Michael: No, no, no! How does it feel to be
approaching the world record?
Albert: Well, Michael, I've been dreaming
about this moment, I've been
thinking about nothing else
Michael: Yes, Albert.
Albert: I've been practicing every day
Michael: Yes, Albert.
Albert: Twice on Sundays!
Michael: Yes - and here comes Mrs.
Hargreaves
Albert: Oh no, not again!
Michael: It's all right, Albert, she's only
looking at her watch!
(The audience laughs.)
Daisy: Albert! Albert! Only ten seconds to
go! Ten, nine, eight, seven (Mabel
pushes Albert.)
Mabel: (Ironically) Congratulations,
Albert!
Albert: Aaaargh!
Albert falls over.
Michael: Well, ladies and gentlemen, Albert
Hargreaves hasn't broken a world
record, but he has broken...his
leg!'
„

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