Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith - Christmas Cracker | Текст песни

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• Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith
• Christmas Cracker

It was Christmas Eve and all through the flat
Not a creature was stirring, not even a bat.
The garlic was hung by the chimney with care
For fear that Papa Lazarou might soon be there.
The children had been sent to stay with an aunty
As I settled down with a blood red chianti
My wife was asleep in the basement adjacent
When I heard a scuffling down in the basement.
I crept to the door and called out ‘Hello?’
And heard husky breathing in the cellar below.
Then a voice black as coal and as deep as the grave
Echoed back from the darkness ‘Hello Dave.’
I froze for a moment, unsure what to do
I wanted to run but I needed a poo.
I opened the door in fear of my life
And heard ‘Merry Christmas I’ve come for your wife.’
More rapid than eagles his course as they came,
He whistled and shouted and called them by name
‘Now Simba, now Tiktik, now Pebble attack,
Put this man in the grave and his wife in the sack.’
His henchmen were on me, catching me unawares
And I saw Papa Lazarou climb up the stairs.
‘You see St Nick won’t be coming this year,
I’m afraid someone hobbled his heard of reindeer.
I gave the elves Night Nurse so they’re out till the morning
And the North Pole has melted, I blame global warming.’
He went to my room and took my wife’s hand
And from her slender finger slipped our wedding band.
And when she awoke, he soothed her brow
With those dreaded words ‘You’re my wife now

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