Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged - Episode 2 | Текст песни

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• Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
• Episode 2

Anderson: The following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release... you protestant fuckbucket.
Sir Integra: Hello, AL. How was your mission in Japan?
AL: Eh... I'd say 99... point 9 percent done. 'Sup, bitch?
SIH: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.
AL: Are they hookers?
SIH: No.
AL: And like that, you've lost me.
SIH: They're our financial suppliers.
AL: Oh man, they have to hate us.
SIH: They do. That's why they canceled our budget.
AL: Oooh, that's bad. We need that, right? W, we need that right?
Walter: Yes, very important.
AL: Thank you, W.
W: Of course, sir.
SIH: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims.
AL: Like what?
SIH: First off, property damage.
AL: Good times.
SIH: Dozens of noise complaints...
AL: Sorry! I can't hear you!
SIH: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
AL: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
SIH: And...ALl of the sexual harassment.
AL: ...I'm not apologizing.
SIH: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...
AL: But...
SIH: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until ALL of them are gone.
AL: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.
SIH: AL.
AL: I'm gonna go with no...
SIH: This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene.
AL: I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk.
SIH: No you don't!
AL: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name...? Michael McDoesn't-exist?
SIH: ...What do you want?
AL: What?
SIH: What.. do I need to give you.. to keep you down here for the evening?
AL: I'm going to need a new gun. Also, one for the PG.
Seras Victoria: But I already have a gun!
AL: Get that bitch a cannon; Bitches love cannons!
SIH: Anything else?
AL: A seventy-inch plasma widescreen TV.
SIH: Really?
AL: With Netflix.
SIH: Should it Also be 3D?
AL: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!
SIH: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.
Sir Penwood: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.
SIH: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the queen.
Sir Irons: Oh, it is, however, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.
Sir Penwood: Most of them under the name... 'AL'.
SIH: Continue...
Sir Irons: For example, some of them were frankly labeled... \"entertainment\".
SIH: Entertainment?
Council Member 1: Quite. Like in my report; Twenty thousand for a... Candi?
Council Member 2: That's Candi with an 'i', by the way.
SIH: I see.
Sir Irons: Not to mention the priceless antique car... I believe the note on the claim was, \"I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats, so I scrapped it\".
SIH: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.
Sir Penwood: Oh, yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen. Sitting at about ninety-five thousand in damages.
SIH: I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this.
Jan Valentine: And so halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!
Luke Valentine: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.
JV: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
LV: For God's sakes, Jan, think of mother!
JV: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now.
Guard: Oi, You two! The grounds are currently closed.
JV: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Where from?
JV: Texas!
JV: Aw shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
LV: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find AL. You overrun the rest of the mansion.
JV: Alrighty! Attention all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order. I've got a class assignment for all of y'all!!
Unknown: And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.
Unknown 2: That's funny, we weren't cutting the power just yet.
SIH: Oh, shit...
Sir Interga: Front desk report. What's going on?
Front Desk: Oh um yeah, hold on, just give me a second... whoa. Oh, yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely... OH MY GOD!
Sir Penwood: Sir Integra, do something!
SIH: Calm down! We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control.
Unknown: What was that?
SIH: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update.
SIH: Communications, come in! We need a full report.
JV: Read the fucking paper.
Guy: Hey there, Integra,
JV: Read it fucking RIGHT, cockhole!!
Guy: Hey there... you... fat English whore!
JV: That's more like it, now keep goin'!
Guy: Me.. and my big brother Luke... are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls. So... I... hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cause when I find you... I'm gonna... oh god!
JV: Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!!
Guy: Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you've got! And then I'm gonna just keep making more holes to fuck, until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and semen! Oh god, this is horrible!
JV: You ain't finished yet!
Guy: So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out -- OH GOD NO-!!!
JV: His fucking face, man! Oh-ho ho ho fuck!! Oh, now that shit is priceless!
SIH: AL, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and...
AL: Listen, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss, who is a total bitch by the way, that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that...
SIH: AL, you vampiric asshole, I will--
AL: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now, I've just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye~
SIH: W!
LV: Hello, Jan.
JV: So, how's my favorite big brother doing?
LV: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards...
JV: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me. I'm winnin'.
LV: They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.
JV: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
LV: Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
SIH: Alright, W and his assistant should be here any second now..
Sir Penwood: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to -- aaaghh!
W: Tally ho!
SIH: Good to see you, W.
W: Of course, sir.
SIH: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off. We lost all of our men, and AL is being --
W: AL?
SIH: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?
W: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does, and tidy up.
JV: I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Though if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a...
JV: ...fuck was that?
W: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez. Ex-Vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
JV: Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin’ definition of classy, but guess what, Jeeves, that garotte wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick. What's that, Alfred, how thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick, so thick enough that you need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.
W: PG, if you may.
PG: BITCHES LOVE CANNONS!
JV: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!!!
AL: That was a seventy-inch... plasma screen TV. So, how can I help you?
LV: You must be the great AL.
AL: S'uuup?
LV: I've heard quite a lot about you.
AL: Oh, really?
LV: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself --
AL: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!
LV: Ex-cuse you..?
AL: Oh, I'm sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
LV: ...Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
AL: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!
LV: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here...
AL: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated; because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my seventy-inch, plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
AL:

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