Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged - Episode 4 | Текст песни

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• Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
• Episode 4

Tubalcain: The following is a fan based parody, puta. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means go suck your mother's cu-
[Scene changes to show Integra talking on the phone with AL]
AL: Say it.
Integra: Fuck you.
AL: After you say it.
Integra: You're really going to force me on this?
AL: I'm at half mast! I need to hear this!
Integra: FINE!! You were right!
[AL makes a groan of extreme pleasure]
Integra: Jump up your own ass and DIE! [slams down the phone]
[Scene change to AL in the safehouse]
AL: Ahhhhh! Houston, we have no problems.
[ AA kicks in the door. Pip and Seras gasp.]
AL: Okay, dude, I just- I just finished, I'mma need like five minutes over here to recharge.
[ AA punches AL in the face]
AL: Never mind, we're back in business!
[AL draws his guns and AA draws his bayonets. Seras swings the Harkonnen at AA.]
Seras: I've got him!
[ AA throws a bayonet and pins an official notice to the wall right next to Seras' head, causing her to become jittery and slump to the ground]
Seras: OH!
AL: Oh great, and now she's triggered. Could beALl day with it.
[Seras mumbles incomprehensibly]
AA: The good Lord has handed down a blessing to you filthy heathens as a sign of good will. A small private Vatican jet. [picks his broken glasses up off the floor] Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out?! And take your trigger happy harlot with ya! [Seras is still traumatized on the ground, cue scene with Pip drinking from a Soda cup from not-McDonald's, in Omake style.] And the woman!
Pip: [Turning to AA, annoyance not exactly out of the question.] Don quoi?
AL: Man, I don't know what I find funnier; the Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J!
[Scene change to show the private jet flying past the statue of Christ the Redeemer, which now has a banner tied across it which reads \"420YOLOSWAG4JESUS\"]
AA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Intro plays]
[Scene change to show the city of London, then a meeting between the Hellsing Organization and Iscariot in the Queen's palace]
[Enrico and Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (Who isAlso an Italian named Rinaldo) are examining photographs]
Father Rinaldo: The banner won't-a come-a down. I think it's a constrictor knot.
[We hear AL's muffled voice outside the door to the room]
AL: What- What do you mean you forgot the song? Okay, screw, screw it, no screw it, screw it! Just- Just take my phone and hit random. No, just hit random. Okay, three, two...
[Door bursts open, and AL makes a dynamic entrance with the chorus to the song \"Bitch\" by Meredith Brooks. Everyone in the meeting looks shocked or appalled]
AL: Yeah, okay, turn it off, turn it off. [Phone turns off] It didn't work. It did not work.
Integra: Following your example.
AL: Ooh, catty. [sees the Queen] Oh, shit, is that Betty?
[Two guards try to block him from reaching her]
Guard: Excuse me sir, you're going to have to- [gets tossed aside by AL]
AL: Get out of my way~!
Queen: Well, well, well. If it isn'tALlie.
[AL kneels in front of her. She grasps his face in her hands]
Queen: Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
AL: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the blitz.
Queen: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
AL: Oh shut up you old hag, I'd still wreck you like Diana!
Queen: Hahahahaha! Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up.
Penwood: (Offscreen,) Gah, I can never have sex again!
Integra: AL, if you please.
[AL stands up and faces the meeting]
AL: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called \"Operation: Kraut Control\". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
AL: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! [More flashbacks] But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we~!
Integra: Seems you missed a spot.
AL: Are you- are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?
Integra: The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They've established a base in Brazil and are using the name-
Schrodinger: Millennium.
[Integra and Enrico gasp. Heinkel and Pip pull their guns out.]
Schrodinger: Warten Sie! How do you say, \"do not shoot ze messenger.\"
AL: Ah, the return of the why boner. With a vengeance.
Integra: How did he get in here?
Walter: We had over a dozen guards.
AL: Those were ours? I mean- Oh my God, how did he get through the guards!?
[Schrodinger sets up a portable TV]
Schrodinger: My commanding officer, ze Major, would like to personally introduce himself,ALong with our vonderful organization.
[Schrodinger presses a button on the remote, but the TV doesn't come on.]
Schrodinger: What?! Uh- Ah-
The Major: Schrodinger?
Schrodinger: It's not working Major!
The Major: Did you click \"TV\" zen \"Power\"?
Schrodinger: Oh wait, I'm on Video 2.
The Major: Nein, Video 1.
Schrodinger: Got it!
[TV finally comes on showing the Major]
The Major: Hello~!
AL: Hahahahahaha, ahahahahahaha! He's still so fucking fat! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
The Major: Ah, if it isn't ze memorable AL. His provider, SIH, ze bean counters, und of course, very interesting to see by the way, the Vatican. How does it feel to vork with your sworn enemies, Father Maxwell?
Enrico: Not as painful as your obnoxious voice.
The Major: Ah, come on, we used to be friends with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany~?
[People at the meeting gasp, and Enrico looks both mortified and livid.]
The Major: Oh, I guess zhey weren't supposed to know that.
Integra: So, that's how you knew about them.
Enrico: (Sighing, his expression reversing.) Yes.
The Major: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
Integra: Nazi army.
The Major: ...Wow, just, killALl the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don't you?!
AL: (Knowing a thing or two about Mass Murder and Genocide, he replies: ) Yeah, you Fun-Nazi.
Integra: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!
The Major: Well, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but at some time, some place, something vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right noooow~!
AL: Fingers crossed!
The Major: But rest assured this is no simple incursion...
[Focus shifts to Schrodinger and Seras as the Major keeps talking in the background. Schrodinger takes note of Seras. In Omake style.]
Schrodinger: Fraulein! Fraulein! Fraulein! HEY FRAULEIN!
Seras: Oi.
Schrodinger: ...Ve would make beautiful children. [Seras is shocked/creeped out]
[AL blows Schrodinger's head off]
AL: Was that boy/girl bugging you?
The Major: Und like zhat, the war begins!
AL: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?
Integra: PG!
[Seras blows up the TV showing the Major]
Seras: (Thinking to herself) Huh. They would've looked rather nice actually.
Integra:ALright now, AL, clean that u- (sees that Schrodinger's body andALl the blood has completely vanished) uh- oh.
AL: Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning. And/or magical.
Queen: Integra? AL?
AL: Yes, sugarlips?
Queen: When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.
AL: ...JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I'VE MISSED YOU!
Enrico: (Offended) HEY!
AL: Oh shut up.
[Scene change to The Major, The Doctor, and The Captain walking down a hallway aboard the Zeppelin]
The Doctor: Ah, Major, I zhink that vent vell.
The Major: You zhink it went vell?! Herr Doctor, I was there, und much like our former boss- [we briefly see a clip of the old SS colonel, being torn apart by the Major's vampire soldiers] -I killed it.
[They arrive at the bridge, where Schrodinger is sitting in the Major's command chair.]
Schrodinger: Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have ze freezer space to storeALl ze incidental leftovers!
The Major: Ah, Doctor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as a gift, but I love him!
The Doctor: Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!
The Major: Ah, don't vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff. Nonetheless, it is time for phase two of our operation. Our fraulein's excursion to ze English Channel.
[Scene change to show a Nazi helicopter moving to land on the deck of an English aircraft carrier. We see the ship's control room.]
Radar Operator: Sir, there's an inbound helicopter trying to land.
Shi

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