Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged - Episode 6 | Текст песни

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• Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
• Episode 6

Pip Bernadotte: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support ze official release.
Nazi: Please, no! I'll worship your Go-
Alexander AA: [kills him with his bayonet] Ha!
Heinkel Wolfe: I zhink zat was ze last one. Good zhing, too. I fear you're running out of bayonets.
AA: Care to correct yourself?
Heinkel: [empties guns] S-sorry, sir! You have bayonets for days!
AA: Bayonets for days.
Father D'Giorno: Father AA, I believe I speak forALl of us when I ask: Why did we go out of our way to save this... [camera points at Integra] Erh...
SIH Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Woman.
D'Giorno: I didn't want to assume.
Integra: I was actually wondering that myself. AL would have left Maxwell to die. Probably after putting a bullet in his leg.
AA: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that tramp Maxwell when it suits me! And if I'd let the woman die, I'd have been none of the three!
Integra: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?
AA: [cheerfully] Aye!
Integra: ...Good God, it's strange to see this from the outside.
[series logo appears, behind it flies a zeppelin and a scene goes to the bridge/command center inside]
Captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz, ve are just outside ze Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zhis position as ve observe- [interrupted by Zorin]
Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: No!ALl hands to battle stations.
Captain: But... Ma'am... Our orders-
Zorin: I have been vaiting for zhis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, AND a target. I vill not be cockblocked to the point of entry by that little blond toad! I... no, VE vill get vhat ve have coming to us. Now Captain, launch ze V-1s!
Captain: [with a dramatic delay] Yes ma'am! [launches the V-1s]
[V-1s get shot and explode]
Zorin: [shocked, cigarette falls out of her mouth] Status report! ANYONE!
Helmsman: Vell, uh, ze V-1s launched. And zhen zey blew up! But not vhere zhey were supposed to! Like, vay too soon!
Zorin: I CAN SEE ZAT! VHY!?
Captain: Reports say it's sniper fire!
Zorin: Kilometers avay? YOU ARE USELESS! GET ME A FUCKING VISUAL!
[Searchlights shown over the Hellsing HQ and the zeppelin crew react shocked at the sight of Seras and her Harkonnen II]
Zorin: [lets out a frustration grunt]
[The camera changes to the Hellsing control room, where Pip Bernadotte is sitting and smoking a cigarette]
Pip Bernadotte: Twenty four out of twenty four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.
PG: Actually, if you wouldn't mind Mr. Bernadotte, my name is Seras Victoria.
Pip: How peculiar! I was under ze impression by ze rest of ze staff zat your name was \"PG.\"
PG: [brief pause] You know what? [sighs] Fine, \"Ma chère\" it is. Just pay attention for any possible incoming-
Pip: So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself.
PG: Y-You're serious...
Pip: Come now, we know so little about one another. And let's be honest, zis may be ze last chance we get to share. So ma chère, what is it like growing up in England?
[Seras gets flashbacks of the brutal murder of her parents]
PG: [bluntly] I grew up in Leeds... Nothing happened.
Pip: Sounds boring.
PG: YES... it was. [sighs] How about you?
Pip: Oh, ummm, in ze french countryside, with my-
[Flashback to a cottage in the woods.]
Young Pip: Grand-père... Is it true? [sobs] Is it true what the children in school say? Zat you are mercenary? Zat you kill people?
Pip's Grand-père: Oh, little Pip. It is much more zhan \"killing people\". It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist Souz African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by anozer in two, but I still got paid.
Young Pip: But Grand-père! My fellow school children only taunt and bully me for it!
Grand-père: Wait, quoi? How are you not ze coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it zat son of ze butcher, Jean Paul? Perhaps zat little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunch box, so when he opens it, it pulls ze pin.
Young Pip: Please do not kill my fwiends...
Grand-père: Oh, mon cher petit-fils~ I'm not going to do it.
Young Pip: ...Quoi?
[Back to the present day,]
PG: Oh my god!
Pip: Oh, relax! It was a flash bang! A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. Now, how about zese Nazi fucks?
PG: Well, I've got a couple of grenades for them. They ain't flashbangs, though.
Pip: Ah, but zey'll flash and zey'll bang, just how I like it. Now, give zem a proper Hellsing welcome.
PG: So, a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing and unnecessary screaming?
Pip: Exactement.
PG: OUI FUCKING MONSIEUR!!!
[Yuri Temirkanov's \"Dies Irae\" starts playing]
Pip: OPEN FIRE!
[With a savage scream, Seras peppers the zeppelin with AA rounds, killing several workers on board]
Helmsman: Ve are being shredded lieutenant!
Zorin: Tell me somezhing new!
[Seras destroys two of the zeppelin's engines]
Helmsman: Vell, ve just lost two engines!
Zorin: CUNT!!!
Captain: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking this kind of damage! We're going to crash!
Zorin: Zen give me ramming speed captain, right into zat bitch!
Captain: Vich bitch lieutenant?
Zorin: Zat bitch with the CANNONS!
[The zeppelin heads straight at Seras]
Pip:ALright ma chère, how bout you flash zem ze goods?
[Seras lifts up her guns to show two grenades attached before firing them hitting the zeppelin, which then proceeds to fall out the air and crash]
Zorin: [Screaming in anger as the zeppelin crashes] CUNT!!!
Pip: And zat, is how ze cookie fumbles.
PG: It's \"crumbles\".
Pip: Oh~, like England.
PG: Can you... not right now?
Pip: I am French, so... no.
Mercer: Holy shit, guys! I think we killed themALl!
Hebert: [looking through binoculars] Hey Mercer, try not to choke on your fucking foot!
[The Nazi Vampires are seen climbing out of the rubble led by Zorin]
Pip: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor... zese are vampires. Much like ma chère, zey won't go down zat easy. And a night on ze town and a little bit of wine won't woo zem over. You will have to show zem zat you care. Make zem feel like zey're ze only thing zat exists to you in zhis world. And zen, when zey finally open zeir legs... give zem everyzing, and leave nothing.
Zorin: Vat's our head count?!
Nazi Sergeant: Eins, zwei, drei... a-a lot, a lot, zere's a lot.
Zorin: Good. Zen your orders... are to SLAUGHTER THEMALL!!!
[The Nazi Vampires charge towards the Hellsing HQ.]
PG: Should I hold my position Mr. Bernadotte?
Pip: No ma chère, you'veALready been on top, now give us a turn.
[The Nazi Vampires continue running towards Hellsing HQ when one of them steps on a landmine.]
Nazi Vampire 1: Oh, landmines... [beeping] Oh! LANDMI-[landmine explodes]
[Several other Nazi Vampires are blown up by landmines whilst screaming \"Landmines!\"]
Nazi Vampire 2: Holy Shit! They planted landmines!
Pip: Oh, zey found the landmines.
PG: [shocked] Oh my God, they planted landmines?! We walk our dogs out there!
Nazi Vampire 2: Okay, ve have to stay calm! Nobody move a inch! Ve vait for Zorin, we'll pull back....
[One of the Wild Geese presses of detonator, causing several planted explosives to detonate in slow motion with grapeshot.]
Nazi Vampire 2: [slowed down] And ve'll- OH SHI-!
[Several more vampires get splattered by the grapeshot debris.]
Pip:ALright men, you know ze drill: If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep zose grenades coming, keep ze bullets raining, and most importantly... have fun. I'm going to have a smoke. [Pulls out a lighter.]
Willingham: No offense sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual, but aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?
Pip: Honestly Willingham, we were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.
Willingham: Still kinda crazy thought, isn't it?
Pip: No way! If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in ze Middle East, zat we'd end up fighting Nazi Vampires, I'd have kissed you full on ze mouth! But now...ALl I feel is robbed. [Closes lighter.]
Willingham: Well, if it make you feel any better, there's a giant woman outside.
Pip: ...Quoi?
[Mega Zorin is seen materialising into a giant and laughing maniacally, while everyone inside the Hellsing mansion is frozen with fear, Pip runs out of the control room to the hall.]
Pip: SAINTE PUTAINE DE MERDE!!
Mercer: What?!
PG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!
Pip: What she said!
Mega Zorin: Peekaboo~! I'LL KILL YOU~!!!
[Zorin slices through the mansion with her scythe while everyone inside screams and runs in fear.]
Pip: I want to go back to ze Middle East...
[Zorin slices once again through the mansion.]
Erholtz: SHE'S GONNA KILL USALL!!
Mercer: FUCKING... DEMON... BITCH!!
Hebert: Oh.. Tscch... I lost an arm...
[PG falls to her knees in utter despair.]
PG: [thinking] We're gonna die... To a gi

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