Down on the corner of Scattesby Way There's a quaint little house without much to say For outside its walls there's no story to tell But enter inside and witness its hell Once you come in things soon become clear there's something quite wrong, though there's nothing to fear The father is harmless or rather I should say Legless, depressed and in a state of decay His phantom limbs dangle awkwardly down Never quite able to reach the ground And his smile has faded, long wiped from his face From the day that he descended from grace Or more so the day fate descended on him In a workplace accident that was really... quite grim But Oh! The doorbell, a friend has come round! "I'll get it" he screamed as his face hit the ground So sad that outsiders were rarely seen Though heard they were saying things ... obscene (oh Marge ... you've got legs like celery!) "God damn it woman! I know what you're at!" "I wish I had friends like that..." For the poor little boy had problems at school Concentration an issue, always playing the fool He never did seem to get along with his peers Although his antics always resulted in cheers "You're a loser! I hate you! Go die in a hole!" "Yeah... that's right, and your mum's a mole!" So as all the children disappeared back to class He fell to his knees, his face in the grass He couldn't resist for the urge was too great He had to slip out his tongue and give it a taste And from that moment forward he never looked back For the taste that he craved was the flavour of crap His interest in bog was shared by his dog His affair with scat, was shared by his cat So he hid in his room to indulge in his craving Free from his family's incessant raving "I swear, eating's like a constant cycle with you!" Little did she know, that it was true The following day on the way to school Our little hero found a hobo in poo He built up his courage and out loud he said, "Excuse me dear sir, will you be my friend?" Unfortunately for him, the junkie was dead And covered in faeces from his toes to his head "Oh dear!" he exclaimed, "What should I do?" "... perhaps I should taste his unsavoury brew..." Down on one knee he scraped with his finger Put his hand to his lips and let the taste linger "This is the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted, Not a single drop shall ever go wasted" The junkie's excrement had quite an effect As he went for a ride no one would expect To a land of rainbows, of love, and respect An entire world where everyone was his friend And here inside this magical place no one would complain when he would feed his face "You're the best friend a boy could ever wish for"