i used to try to fuck it up from the moment that i walked through the door because all the pieces made more sense on the floor, or maybe i just wanted more.
so i would sabotage each night, think of all the ways it could be better. eat my cake as fast as i can because i'd rather be sick.
when everything begins to fall apart, i always get so scared. start to feel like i've gotten to where i wanted but i'm unprepared. or that i bottle things up inside or that i'm lying when i say i'm alright. or that i inevitably stop myself before i even try.
because all we ever had was time we didn't have much money we were expecting we would die before it got this hard before it got too late how did we ever let it get this far. we've watched our value depreciate.
i know it seems fucked up and i know its hard when you feel like you drive forever and you never seem to get very far. but the other night when i was drinking, i started to feel like i was sinking and that was town was shrinking and i started thinking about the dirt on my casket lid.
and now i never have much time and i still have no money i never really thought that i would die i was just frightened by the taste, and uncomfortable with the pace, there were things i was afraid to face, but now the sunglasses are off my eyes i see its really not that dark outside.
and no matter what i said before, i don't want to a wrecking ball anymore.