When I was a young chap, just a little bouncing boy My family was not wealthy so I had to make do With second-hand pajamas and a single wooden toy A dinosaur my daddy made with balsa wood and glue
But when I turned thirteen and to high school off I trotted I knew immediately that my dino wouldn't do Cos I had noticed all the toys the other kids had gotted And I couldn't help myself, I wish that I had got them too
My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue But before too long I knew that my dino wouldn't do
When I was fifteen years old I first turned to thieving To satiate my craving to have things the other kids had I stole a gnarly skateboard from a skating shop one evening It had bodacious fluoro railing and wicked fluoro skid pad
By the following Monday morning the skateboarding turned to boredom My appetite for skating was abating in a flash So I sold my board and bought a pair of flippers and snorkel But soon I balked at snorkeling, forked my snorkel in the trash
At eighteen I managed hedge funds and got fat by drinking beer At twenty I owned seven cars and houses on the coast I fell in love at twenty-three with a Swedish girl called Mia I bought a 200 quid toaster with which Mia made me toast
At twenty-eight I went through like a Buddhist kind of thing And decided the material world and I were through I hooked up with some Buddhist chicks who said that they were twins But they didn't look that similar and they did stuff twins don't do
But now I'm 47st and thirty-one years old I have a kitchen staff of 12, on-call 24 hours a day And a Page 3 girl I pay to lick chocolate from my folds And rent boy called Llewellyn though I'm neither Welsh nor gay
Now those who judge my lifestyle to be gluttonous and brash And criticise my excess acquisition and consumption I say that critics of the wealthy are just those who don't have cash And who've never had a prostitute spread Marmite on their scrotum
My father died a year ago, to dust he's now returned And I found my wooden dinosaur, which all these years has lasted And I cremated it and put it with Dad's ashes in an urn Below a gravestone with three words on it: Stingy fucking bastard
My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue Which is all very quaint, but I'd rather eat foir gras inside a Porsche