If you really loved me the way you say you do, If you love me half as much as I love you You would pluck a planet from the sky, You would use a star to dot the "i".
In "I love you..." that is what you do: You’d take a dreary day and you would paint it blue, If you loved me unconditionally These are things that you would do for me.
Because I need you Like a fish needs the sea, Like a fire needs oxygen, Like a flower needs a bee. And if you really care for me You’d let me video you while you wee Standing up in the bath, I shouldn’t even have to ask Perhaps you’ll even store a little more in a flask. These are just the things that people do When their love for one another is true Doo doo doo
We go together Like a cracker and Brie, Like racism and ignorance, Like niggers and R&B. And if you really want to show you care You’d let me wear your underwear When we visit your mum, for a bit of harmless fun, I just like talking about your childhood with some lace between my buns. There’s no reason, no reason for a big to-do If your love for one another is true
We go together Like a bird and a nest, Like Internet and kiddie-porn, Like guns and the US. And if you love me like you say you do You’d purchase thirty cockatoos And teach them to fly... in formation in the sky And shit the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend’s Hyundai. Sure, it might be easier with doves But shirking challenges is not what love's all about.
Love is not all wine and roses Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese, No one said love is for free. And if you agree with that You'd sing me passages from the Koran wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat To the tune of waltzing Matilda. I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder. Yeah, Islam, nationalism and builder, yeah...
Because I need you Like a tick needs a tock, Like bananas need pyjamas, Like a nun needs cock. And if you want to put your love for me first You wouldn't go through childbirth, You'd agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin. We'll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin, And communists don't make as much noise, And they're really good at sharing their toys.
Because I dig you Like an Ozzy digs pies, Like Born-Agains dig Jesus, Like Jesus dug guys.
And if you love me unconditionally You'd do my tax return for me. 'Coz it's way overdue, and I just don't know, I guess I'm self-employed but do I still pay as I go? And does the threshold apply to me? And should I register for GST? And if you love me unconditionally, When you'll let me video you while you wee? Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV.