Tina Fey - "All Girls Must be Everything" отрывок из "Bossypants" | Текст песни

• Тексты песен
• Tina Fey
• "All Girls Must be Everything" отрывок из "Bossypants"

When I was thirteen I spent a weekend at the beach in Wildwood, New Jersey, with my teenage cousins Janet and Lori. In the space of thirty-six hours, they taught me everything I know about womanhood. They knew how to “lay out” in the sun wearing tanning oil instead of sunscreen. They taught me that you could make a reverse tattoo in your tan if you cut a shape out of a Band-Aid and stuck it on your leg. They taught me you could listen to General Hospital on the radio if you turned the FM dial way down to the bottom.
Wildwood is a huge wide beach—the distance from your towel to the water was often equal to the distance from your motel to your towel. And “back in the day” the place was packed exclusively with very, very tan Italian Americans and very, very burned Irish Americans. As a little kid, I almost always got separated from my parents and would panic trying to find them among dozens and dozens of similar umbrellas.
One afternoon a girl walked by in a bikini and my cousin Janet scoffed, “Look at the hips on her.”
I panicked. What about the hips? Were they too big? Too small? What were my hips? I didn’t know hips could be a problem. I thought there was just fat or skinny.
This was how I found out that there are an infinite number of things that can be “incorrect” on a woman’s body. At any given moment on planet Earth, a woman is buying a product to correct one of the following “deficiencies”:
big pores
oily T-zone
cankles
fivehead
lunch lady arms
nipples too big
nipples too small
breasts too big
breasts too small
one breast bigger than the other
one breast smaller than the other (How are those two different things? I don’t know.) nasal labial folds
“no arch in my eyebrows!”
FUPA (a delightfully crude acronym for a protruding lower belly) muffin top
spider veins
saddlebags
crotch biscuits (that’s what I call the wobbly triangles on one’s inner thighs) thin lashes
bony knees
low hairline
calves too big
“no calves!”
“green undertones in my skin”
and my personal favorite, “bad nail beds”
In hindsight, I’m pretty sure Janet meant the girl’s hips were too wide. This was the late seventies, and the seventies were a small-eyed, thin-lipped blond woman’s paradise. I remember watching Three’s Company as a little brown-haired kid thinking, “Really? This is what we get? Joyce DeWitt is our brunet representative? She’s got that greasy-looking bowl cut and they make her wear suntan pantyhose under her football jersey nightshirt.” I may have only been seven or eight, but I knew that this sucked. The standard of beauty was set. Cheryl Tiegs, Farrah Fawcett, Christie Brinkley. Small eyes, toothy smile, boobies, no buttocks, yellow hair.
Let’s talk about the hair. Why do I call it “yellow” hair and not “blond” hair? Because I’m pretty sure everybody calls my hair “brown.” When I read fairy tales to my daughter I always change the word
“blond” to “yellow,” because I don’t want her to think that blond hair is somehow better.
My daughter has a reversible doll: Sleeping Beauty on one side and Snow White on the other. I would always set it on her bed with the Snow White side out and she would toddle up to it and flip the skirt over to Sleeping Beauty. I would flip it back and say, “Snow White is so pretty.” She would yell,
“No!” and flip it back. I did this experiment so frequently and consistently that I should have applied for government funding. The result was always the same. When I asked her why she didn’t like Snow White, she told me, “I don’t like her hair.” Not even three years old, she knew that yellow hair is king. And, let’s admit it, yellow hair does have magic powers. You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it. Snow White is better looking. I hate to stir up trouble among the princesses, but take away the hair and Sleeping Beauty is actually a little beat.
Sure, when I was a kid, there were beautiful brunettes to be found—Linda Ronstadt, Jaclyn Smith,

Tina Fey еще тексты