There’s a place between heaven and hell Don’t need a map, just follow the smell A place filled with filthy air A place full of dark despair A place you have no prayer A place called New Jersey New Jersey Jersey, the Garden State There’s an exit called the thirteen gee Right off the turnpike where it smells just like pee An exit no one dares get off An exit where the children cough An exit called Tromaville Tromaville If the pollution doesn’t get you, the aroma will Who will save New Jersey? We’re dying for some air There’s no hope in New Jersey, Lord Does anybody care? Lord, does anybody care’ The story we’re about to tell you is so disturbing, we’ve stationed a registered nurse outside in the lobby. She is armed with a tranquilizer dart gun for those needing sedation. She also has Xanax and Vicatin she got off the internet. And please, for the love of God, do not turn off your cell phones. Mm-mm, nah. You’re probably gonna wanna call your mama. There’s no hope in New Jersey We’re hanging by a thread We’re choking in New Jersey We might as well be dead Lord, we need a favor We need a savvy savior But who Who Who Who I will save New Jersey I’m Melvin Ferd the Third Not him, Lord! I’m here for you, New Jersey On that you have my word There must be a solution To end this damn pollution It’s time to start a global revolution Sister, look at what has infested our town! What is that wretchedness? It’s waste, toxic waste! The worst problem we ever faced It’s sick, God, its sick Look what it did to my measuring stick! But where did it come from? Look there. Across the Hudson River, what do you see? Manhattan. The beautiful, conceited people of Manhattan. Happy to use New Jersey as their toxic dumping ground! Now, listen up Manhattan We know, you’re stinking rich Your bed sheets may be satin But Jersey’s not your bitch Jersey’s not your bitch! Bless you, my son. And don’t worry, Sister. Nothing can stop me! Oh, no. The town bullies! God, I love New Jersey It’s such a state of mind Why do I love Jersey’ Probably cause I’m blind Hey, Sarah. It’s Melvin. Melvin, did those bullies beat you up again? Yeah. Well, it takes a brave man not to fight back. By the way, have you noticed a new smell in town? It’s giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste! But don’t worry I swear I’ll save New Jersey But how, I do not know We need new air in Jersey And cleaner H2O In Tromaville Tromaville If the pollution doesn’t get you, the aroma will So, there you have it. There will be no intermission tonight. This show is eight hours long. Help us win, New Jersey Help! Save us from this goo Black Dude: Crap, I just got scurvy Good God, what can we do? Damn it, we’re New Jersey We’re drowning in the mud Say your prayer for Jersey Or else we’re good and fucked Good God, we’re good and fucked New Jersey New Jersey Jersey The garden state