I'd like to do some calculations in the hopes that I'll come to some realizations My mind is not what it used to be that certainly isn't news to me But I want to know how my life was spent now that I know that I'm near the end So I add subtract multiply and divide to try and figure out what I did with my life
CHORUS I spent twenty-seven years in my bed And there's not much that I would've preferred to do instead I spent two years chewing and six months wooing And, I'm sure you're curious, almost three years pooing I spent twenty five years working for a guy that I wanted to kill when I didn't want to die But I spent fifty seven years loving you my friend So I guess it all makes sense at the end.
I spent nearly a full year masturbating Second only to the year we spent copulating I know you're not a fan of this vulgarity But completeness is important for full clarity I spent more than seven years watching television and how could I not regret that decision But I don't think that I'll ever know how much time I did or didn't spend lookin' into your eyes.
CHORUS
I've never known any way but numbers and sums to understand what we are and what we have become but like numbers are perfect, that's how this has been for me and I hope that I still give you everything you need 80 years alive and four eating food five reading books and 57 with you two eyes one nose one smile one life it somehow isn't ever quite enough time.