The day I learned you tried to kill yourself again, my stomach shriveled up like a dead fly left out in the sun. It hurt so much to realize that I have no say, that I could never save you. But I guess it was always that way and to think otherwise is selfishness. Like how when people die and everyone makes it about themselves Yeah, Pity me for all your pain. The pain I could never understand despite my “I was the last person to talk to her” pleas. I could never shake you out of it, like so much rattling of your cage when you just swallowed the key. And no finger of mine can reach back in your throat and take it out.
It’s not enough, it never was. No words can make things alright again. No choir of angels, No golden rays. No one to see you through these dark alleyways. Maybe death’s like the ocean- and just like the ocean, we just return to the shifting tides.
If I could only breathe you in, o try to keep you close … You won’t ever know you were all I could think about when I was fucking the last girl I slept with. This can’t be fixed through long talks and late nights. I need to run away and cut off the pieces of you that can’t be diluted through my piss that’s laced with cheap whiskey and lack of sleep.