Агата Зубель (Agata Zubel) - Not I | Текст песни

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• Not I

«Not I» na głos, zespół kameralny i elektronikę (2010)
text by Samuel Beckett

Agata Zubel (voice)
Klangforum Wien conducted by Clement Power
Kraków, Łaźnia Nowa Theatre, 13 September 2012
Festiwal Sacrum Profanum
world première

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…out… into this world… tiny little thing… before its time… in a godfor — …what?.. girl?.. yes… tiny little girl… into this… out into this… before her time… godforsaken hole called… no matter… parents unknown… unheard of… he having vanished… thin air… no sooner buttoned up his breeches… she similarly… eight months later… almost to the tick… so no love… spared that… no love such as normally vented on the… speechless infant… in the home… no… nor indeed for that matter any of any kind… no love of any kind… at any subsequent stage… so typical affair… nothing of any note till coming up to sixty when — …what?.. seventy?.. good God!.. coming up to seventy… wandering in a field… looking aimlessly for cowslips… to make a ball… a few steps then stop… stare into space… then on… a few more… stop and stare again… so on… drifting around… when suddenly… gradually… all went out… all that early April morning light… and she found herself in the — …what?.. who?.. no!.. she!..

…found herself in the dark… and if not exactly… insentient… for she could still hear the buzzing… so-called… in the ears… and a ray of light came and went… such as the moon might cast… drifting… in and out of cloud… but so dulled… feeling… feeling so dulled… she did not know… what position she was in… imagine!.. whether standing… or sitting… but the brain — …what?.. kneeling?.. yes… whether standing… or sitting… or kneeling… but the brain — …what?.. lying?.. yes… whether standing… or sitting… or kneeling… or lying… but the brain still… in a way… for her first thought was… oh long after… sudden flash… brought up as she had been to believe… with the other waifs… in a merciful… God… first thought was… oh long after… sudden flash… she was being punished… for her sins… a number of which then… further proof if proof were needed… flashed through her mind… one after another… then dismissed as foolish… oh long after… this thought dismissed… as she suddenly realized… gradually realized… she was not suffering… imagine! . . indeed could not remember… off-hand… when she had suffered less… unless of course she was… meant to be suffering… ha!.. thought to be suffering… just as the odd time… in her life… when clearly intended to be having pleasure… she was in fact… having none… not the slightest… in which case of course… that notion of punishment… for some sin or other… or for the lot… or no particular reason… for its own sake… thing she understood perfectly… that notion of punishment… which had first occurred to her… brought up as she had been to believe… with the other waifs… in a merciful… God… … first occurred to her… then dismissed… as foolish… was perhaps not so foolish… after all… so on… all that… vain reasonings… till another thought… oh long after… sudden flash… very foolish really but — …what?.. the buzzing?.. yes… all the time buzzing… so-called… in the ears… though of course actually… not in the ears at all… in the skull… dull roar in the skull… and all the time this ray or beam… like moonbeam… but probably not… certainly not… always the same spot… now bright… now shrouded… but always the same spot… as no moon could… no… no moon… just all part of the same wish to… torment… though actually in point of fact… not in the least… not a twinge… so far… ha!.. so far… this other thought then… oh long after… sudden flash… very foolish really but so like her… in a way… that she might do well to… groan… on and off… writhe she could not… as if in actual agony… but could not… could not bring herself… some flaw in her make-up… incapable of deceit… or the machine… more likely the machine… so disconnected… never got the message… or powerless to respond… like numbed… couldn't make the sound… not any sound… no sound of any kind <…>

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