At first when I looked back on the year and a half I spent with you, it was too much to bear. I used to drown my sorrows in all the memories I had of the two of us. I used to watch all these movies we used to watch, and I’d listen to all of the bands that you loved and I hated, hoping I’d find some kind of secret message I was missing out on. I hoped to find some way to win you back. I used to look at the photos of us every day. All of them. There were hundreds to look at, and you looked so beautiful in every single one of them. That lasted that entire summer.
After that summer, I tried to convince myself that I was better than you, and didn't need to be so down all the time. It didn't work for long, and I once again longed to win you back. I made the mistake of writing you one night, but I said the opposite of what I felt. You never wrote back. I don’t blame you. I wouldn't want to talk to someone who spoke to me like that. At the time, I didn't even realize what I had done wrong. My judgment was clouded by the will to get you back.
It was around this time I tried to re-identify who I was. After spending so much time with you, my individuality was crippled by association. I was a shadow of what I used to be. It was around this time that I put my efforts into A Few Good Words, and threw myself back into the world through my work. It was because of this that I had made new friends, and rekindled relationships with old ones.
In the months that followed, I really did get better. I re-identified myself. But even though I was doing well, I was still alone. Until I met her. I thought she was great at first, and it took me awhile to see what I was really doing. I was healing. My heart was healing after all of the damage it sustained from you, and from keeping it on my sleeve instead of locked out of sight. She helped that organic heart heal, but in the process I had no choice but to break her. I guess it costs a heart to repair one. I regret that it came to that, but it had to be done.
Once that happened, I thought of you. I thought about how you must have felt knowing you were going to break my heart. Looking back, now having done the same thing to someone else, I feel like a small part of me understood why it had to be done. I finally got how someone who once discussed the thought of marriage could turn around and tear down everything those plans stood upon.
This is an open letter to you. An apology for the things I did and the things I said. Thanks for everything.
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