Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged - Episode 3 | Текст песни

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• Team Four Star - Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
• Episode 3

JV: The following is a fan based parody, Hellsing Ultimate is property of - Kouta Hirano and Studio MadHouse-? The fuck is this?! You assholes brought me back from the dead, to read this legal BULLSHIT?? No no no no no, FUCK THAT!. If I'm going to come back to life to read a fucking line, then its going to be my kind of fucking line. My throbbing vampire dick, is a fan based parody, its shaft, balls and scrotum are property of me, JV, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its offical release! ...You know you want to.
Abraham Van Hellsing: Vampire king.
Abraham Van Hellsing: You lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered. Dominions in ruin. Servants destroyed. ALl to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands. Countless villages razed to the ground. [grabs AL] And over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and youALone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men. What say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb? WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?
AL: The Aristocrats...
AL: Oh God... It's orientation day!!
Integra: Listen close. You've ALl been subcontracted as personal bodyguards for the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... a mystical persuasion.
Pip: Well, is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
Integra: Everything you need to know hasALready been covered in the briefing-
AL: HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!!?
Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
AL: So, what's up with the pride meeting?
Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replaceALl the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brother's--
AL: Wait, are these guys French?
Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
AL: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
[Walter walks through the door behind Integra.]
Walter: SIH, I apologize. I tried to stop him, but when I pleaded with him he merely responded with, and mind my French, no offense-
Pip: Some taken.
Walter: -\"Fuck the police.\" He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
Integra: Oh God... Walking through that hallway's going to give me such a headache now.
Walter: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.
Integra: Enrico Maxwell?? That filthy, slimy, arrogant ITALIAN PIECE OF SHI--
[Scene immediately changes to an art museum, where Integra and Walter greet Enrico Maxwell and his escort, Father O'Mally'O'Connell'O'Carroll'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (who isAlso Italian), or much more conveniently known as Renaldo.]
Integra: Maxwell. Oh, it's been far too long.
Enrico: I agree, you are no longer that little girl I used to know. [removes glasses] Look atALl those lines on your face.
Integra: And look atALl the brown on your nose; how is the Pope doing?
Enrico: Better than your failing Church.
Integra: Well, notALl of us can exploit illegals...
Enrico: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!!
[AL walks through the wall to greet Enrico.]
AL: Honestly, if you're gonna have a dick fighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap... Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. [Cut to a very, very peeved Maxwell, who is about to crush his spectacles in his hand.] Which was paid for how?? Oh right! \"Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God...ALl over his back!
[Enrico finally crushes his glassses in his hand, in utter frustration, crying out:]
Enrico: ANDERSOOOOOON!!!!!
[ AA appears at the end of the hallway and takes out his bayonets.]
AA: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling!
[AL takes out his guns as his hat falls off his head in sheer psychotic bliss.]
AL: YOU GOT ME A PRESENT!?
[ AA walks toward AL, not exactly reluctant to rip said Fuckr to Bloody Pieces.]
AA: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way when his wrath is kindled but a little!
[AL and AA stand face-to-face ready to battle, both laughing maniacally; suddenly Seras appears with a group of old people, who so happened to in Group B, the Japanese tour, in between AL and AA.]
Seras: Right this way group B~! That's right~! Right in front of everyone else~! You're 80, you're used to it~! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe areAlso art, I don't know~! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured~!
[AL lowers his guns.]
AL: [groans] Well, my boner's gone.
AA: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
AL: Why don't we try this again some other time?
AA: Of course! Kill you later you monstrous heathen.
[AL and AA walk away.]
AL: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
[Enrico and Integra return to their discussion, more than eager to change the subject at hand.]
Enrico: You want some coffee?
Integra: [smiles] I'd love some.
[Scene changes to the outdoor café.]
Integra: So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.
Enrico: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.
Integra: And what would those be?
Enrico: The true identity of Millenium.
Integra: Who?
Enrico: The organization who assailed your compound.
Integra: Oh yeah, there was some debate over that.
Enrico: And the whereabouts of said Millenium.
Integra: And what could you possibly want in exchange?
Enrico: Oh, nothing major, just two simple apologies. From you and your subordinate, known as the Crimson Fucker...Also known as AL.
[Momentary pause at Integra's face.]
Integra: So you want an apology from me?
Enrico: I figured, but didn't want to assume.
Integra: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?
Enrico: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.
Integra: What did he do this time?
Enrico: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 400 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less. They just, fly right into the Vatican. The latest one writ as such: [clears throat] \"Dear-\"
[AL's letter is shown with AL voicing over the letter]
AL: Dear Chief Replacement, I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you are curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right. I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonFuckr!
[Scene returns to Integra and Enrico.]
Enrico: \"Sincerely, AL.\"
Integra: I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
Enrico: So, that apology~?
Integra: [sigh] I'm sor--
[Scene immediately cuts to Integra and Walter back in the mansion.]
Integra: So that's where they are.
Walter: Interesting. But do you think AL would go?
Integra: Not as long as it's an order.
[Walter ponders on what to do, then gets an idea.]
Walter: I think I have an idea.
[Scene cuts to Walter and AL conversing.]
Walter: Did you know you have vacation days?
AL: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because, seriously, it'sALways over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner; it's super awkward.
Walter: Quite.
AL: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!
Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... Except for Brazil. SIH was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
[The two look at each other for a few seconds.]
AL: I'm taking the PG and the Frenchman!
[Scene cuts to AL sitting in a private jet with a glass of wine in his hand; Pip sits on the other side of him with a newspaper; Pitbull's \"I Know You Want Me\" plays in the background.]
Pip: So, where is the PG?
AL: Oh, y'know, she's downstairs.
[Pip lowers his newspaper.]
Pip: Isn't that the cargo hold?
[Scene changes to Seras locked in her coffin in the cargo hold.]
Seras: I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight places!
[Scene cuts to an overhead view of Rio de Janeiro, showing the Christ the Redeemer statue.]
AL: JESUS WANTS A HUG~!
[Fade to the hotel AL and Seras are staying in.]
Hotel Employee/Bishounen O'Brien: There we are. A regular two-bedroom!
AL: Hilarious! No. I want the penthouse.
[O'Brien looks concerned.]
O'Brien: I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
[AL raises his hand, controlling O'Brien's mind.]
AL: I SAID... you want to give me the penthouse.
[O'Brien, eyes wide, under the control of a Jedi Mind Trick, repeats what AL said.]
O'Brien: I... want to give you the penthouse.
AL: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's

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